convicted....

So,  since arriving in Italy I have felt a stirring to share a message again that God gave me last spring about hearing from him...  well in looking through my notes from said message I was C-O-N-V-I-C-T-E-D!!!!  how have I fallen so far and not even realized it...  I was reading MY OWN TYPED WORDS (given by God) and there was so much power in them, SOOOO MUCH TRUTH, how have I let myself fall from that spot of complete submission and closeness?  WHO AM I???  No wonder I have been so incredibly stressed and agitated, no wonder I feel like i have the world on top of my shoulders, no wonder I cant get into the holiday spirit...  I am NOT and I repeat NOT  in right standing with God...  Satan is a smooth criminal...  who would have known that that message God gave me last spring would be the SAME ONE to revive me months later....  I am just a shell of the woman who wrote that.  a Shell of the woman God spoke so incredibly clearly to...  I have had little awakenings over my time here in Italy but this is like a full on FOREST FIRE!  I feel like I am FINALLY awake!  WOW....  God you REALLY REALLY work in beautiful and amazing ways!  I cant even explain this feeling, I may not even sleep tonight...  I think I will hold my own prayer concert here at home...  my LOVE for Christ and his LOVE for me has just been revived!     Repenting for my sin ( my attitude) and repent ( my action) THANK YOU AGAIN GOD for that WONDERFUL and inspiring word, and I so look forward to getting back to where we were!  OH HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU!!!!!!!!!!

break my heart

So, I have heard many times in my short christian walk (mostly in songs) this phrase "break my heart for what breaks yours"  I thought about that statement and came to the conclusion that to be more Christlike I should have my heart broken for what breaks his...  I cant keep flirting with sin even if it seems ok...  my biggest thing I struggle with is TV and what is appropriate and not...  so I prayed, GOD, BREAK MY HEART FOR WHAT BREAKS YOURS!   and I prayed that a LOT and I meant it...  well the moment it happened I knew it was happening, I could feel my hair standing up on the back of my neck and I was just nauseous,   but I fought it and watched the show anyways...  and the show got worse, and so did my discomfort...  this went on for about 4 episodes of this show and finally he broke me...there was one scene that I will NOT describe but just know that I had nightmares and woke up at least (not being dramatic here either) 10 times that night...  Acts 3:19 says "Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord"  I finally got it through my head I must A) thank God for Breaking my heart and allowing me a glimps into his pain that we cause him, and B) I MUST repent and get right with God... I did and now anytime I start to watch anything I am VERY weary as I don't want to feel like that again!  Am I saying all TV is bad...  NO however, that is where discernment comes into play...  

Boldness...

In the last few months God has really begun to press into me this urgency for Boldness...  As he has pressed into me, he has given me opportunity after opportunity to be just that....  BOLD.  mostly with people I am just meeting for the first time.  I am a social person yes, however when it comes to putting my faith out there not know what kind of reaction I will get is TERRIFYING to me!  In these instances that he has give me both have been receptive.  I am excited to step out like this and share my faith...  he has also reminded me of my journey to him...  it wasn't pretty and it was a very long and rough road.  


when thinking about this boldness and this urge to speak when asked to...  I don't want to because I don't feel strong enough or because I don't want to look stupid...  he keeps reminding me that The holy spirit will give me all that I need when the time comes to speak...  its just my job to do as I have been asked.  why? Because God says so!  To be honest over the last year the question "why?" has pretty much disappeared from my prayers...  I don't really care why...  God asks me to do something and I am just going to move and do it...  don't get me wrong, there are many times that I don't want to do what he asks, however, I have seen him working in some HUGE ways in my life and in others and so I don't even want to question what he is doing.   you never know what that one invite to church, or that one random act of kindness, or that one little chat in the park will do for the person you are speaking to...  it took 2 very long years of one of my friends asking me every week to go to church or go to PWOC with her before I actually went and when I did...  I was finally ready to accept Christ into my heart and to change my life for the better...  This friend of mine was so bold even when she KNEW I would likely say no, she kept asking...  for 2 YEARS!  you never know where someone is at and you never know why God is prompting you to say something but if you are prompted to speak...  SPEAK!  

I should be....

EXHAUSTED....

So, in the last 9 months I have given birth to our little B.  Ran 4 Half marathons (2 were not actual races).  we have moved across the world...  again...  and I have taken on a huge responsibility with the PWOC presidency.   So, I should be EXHAUSTED with getting little sleep, I have not been exercising as I should, I have not been eating as I should...  but in all of this what I have been doing is spending a LOT of time in prayer...  God has blessed me so much by not allowing me to become weary or faint of heart.  he has held me up when I have felt like it was all just too much to carry.  he has given me great visions to show me that ITS OK to hurt and to be broken, ITS OK!  God has been so incredible to me and my family!  no my house is not perfectly clean but, I got to spend amazing prayer time with my daughter.  nope the laundry is not all done either but, I am still at peace.  God has been growing me so much here at Aviano.  its been painful but OH SO worth it!  I have never spent so much time on my knees crying out to my father as I have since we moved here, but I have also never been so incredibly blessed!  my body she be screaming but its not, my mind should be fried, but its not, my house should be a complete mess, BUT ITS NOT!  God is providing for me all over the place!   he is really showing me how to really open up to him and let him fully be in control...  I still have my moments on Wednesday mornings that I get flustered because we are late leaving the house and then lovely little attack after attack from Satan start nipping at me, but I learning to let it go and GIVE IT ALL to God!  I am so very thankful to have him on my side, otherwise I would be an utter mess right now!  THANK YOU GOD for never leaving me!  Thank you for holding me up when I was too tired and thank you for walking along side of me through all of this!  

God Sightings

I cant really put into words the feeling that I have and have had for the last week or so its almost an "awe" kind of feeling...  I am just in Awe of all the work God is doing all around me...  PWOC fall kick off was an amazing success with over 75 women showing up!  we prayed for a full ANNEX and GOD PROVIDED!!  as we kick off our Fall Bible Studies, God again provided will a full annex and MANY babies and children as well!  so many babies in fact that we had to turn some away at the door unfortunately.  As we all know in the military we can NOT go over fire codes and although they seem silly, they really are there for our safety.  Our Chaplin Adviser came in and explained that we were at max capacity for kiddos, however after he left he got us a temporary Nursery  upstairs for 10 (possibly more) babies!  Again God is providing...  God has provided for me on a more personal level as well, I struggle so badly at times with my oldest and how to parent her properly.  God has really taken the strain OUT of our relationship and healed it.  I am able to truly enjoy my amazing free spirited child for who she REALLY is and for who God made her to be!  

Sitting here writing this makes me REALLY miss the "God Sightings" portion of the Emerging service!  what an amazing way to really take a good hard look at your life and SEE where God is moving!  God is all over, he is moving and working and growing you and shaping you as we speak...  my challenge to all of you who read this is to truly look at your life and see al the amazing God sightings and SHARE them with the world!  God does not want us to keep this Love for him contained!  he wants us to really share his love with the world around us!   I am so encouraged!  God has AMAZING things planned for Aviano!  I cant wait to see what they are!  

Mirror mirror on the wall....

For the last few weeks I have been struggling (if you follow my blog you will notice this trend).  I have been feeling like there was a dis connect between me and God but I just couldn't quite pin point what it was...  he would break down one wall but then I would find that there was just another bigger right behind it.  this has gone on for MONTHS...  and let me say ITS EXHAUSTING!  I had been so lost and broken with everything going on....  never seeing Eddie because of his schedule, not getting enough sleep...  having to keep the girls quiet all day OR be out of the house all day,  which means no naps for Bailey... and when we are home she cant "cry it out" because Eddie has to sleep.  (both options over time are VERY draining) the weather is SOOO HOT its too hot to be outside.  I didnt feel like I was clicking with the PWOC ladies...  A was as wild and hyper as ever..  it really was a perfect storm.  and I was BREAKING under the pressure.  Well last week God FINALLY got to the biggest wall yet...  this one was a doosy!  a friend and I were chatting on the IM thing of face book..  the conversation took a VERY deep turn, quite refreshing actually...  anyhow, through this friend God was able to show me that I am simply not trusting him.  Yes I do what he asks of me but once I am there I don't TRUST him to do what he put me there to do to begin with.  So after that revelation, I chewed on the the realization that I really was not trusting God...  I didn't like it but I chewed on it, 2 days later at church (PWOC Sunday) God spoke in a VERY real way...  One of our ladies was praying and as she prayed she said something about a broken mirror.  right when she said that God gave me a wonderful vision.  He showed me a mirror that was perfect and a light and the lights reflection it was 1 beam of light...  then he showed me a broken mirror, and a light reflecting off of it and the light just filled the whole area.  in an instant God shared this all and made it VERY CLEAR that brokenness is beautiful to him.  he wants us to come to him BROKEN!  he cant do much with a perfect mirror but a broken mirror... WOW! 

when you are in the middle of a perfect storm, remember that nothing worth doing is easy, and nothing grows with out rain. 

Drawn to the cross...

Well for the last week I have been seriously struggling...  As I sit on my floor in my living room singing praise and worship music and really connecting with God again he begins to answer my question that I have BEEN PLEADING with him to answer for a while now...  " WHY do you feel so far away God? "  Why do I feel like I cant hear you?  WHERE ARE YOU?  you cant send me here and then LEAVE ME!  I need you.  I cant even begin to tell you how many hours have been spent in the last week with me on my knees balling my eyes out feeling so alone and then God just showed me why....  I am not allowing myself to be who he has made me....  He has made me into a beautifully transparent woman of God.  This is something I LOVE about who he has made me, I dont have to hide and be fake I can say YES I struggle!  Yes I deal with temptation, yes I AM NOT PERFECT AND THAT'S OK!  For some reason I have had blinders on for a while now and I have been feeling alone and isolated....  I KNOW in the deepest part of my being that God has sent me here for a reason...  and I have felt like this last week God just dropped me here and said good luck...  I dont REALLY know anyone here.  I don't know how they will react to my bold transparency...  guess what IT DOESN'T MATTER!  God has made me PERFECTLY and I WILL NOT apologize for that...  Who cares if I cry?  who cares if I am so consumed by Gods love and grace and mercy that I cant speak for a moment.  WHO CARES...  I have felt so alone this week and now I see its because I have held God at arms length because I was ashamed to be seen for what I am.  WHY?  who do I think I am?  I was scared of what others might think...  Thank you God for your forgiveness as you show me where I fall...  I am so thankful that I can come back and be honestly transformed into who I am in Christ.  I am so proud to be a child of God!    

"At the cross you beckon me, draw me gently to my knees, and I am lost for words so Lost in LOVE, I am sweetly broken, wholly surrendered!"