This picture says exactly how I feel. Running into the warm
embrace of my Good Good Father.
Let me explain- This is such a
long time coming. In order to understand the breakthrough we must go way
back... I became a Christian on 14 September 2009. Yes I remember
the date. Ok I was brought up in the church, but it was not a true Gospel
based faith and I did not know God intimately until that evening in September
2009 when I FINALLY said yes. My childhood was riddled with abuse and my
View of God was heavily distorted by my step father who claimed to be a Christian,
but twisted the Bible into this book of "You better not Ever's"
and "God is going to hate you for this" No Grace. In fact I
never even heard that word a single time in my upbringing. So as you
could imagine I didn’t just walk away from the church, I ran SO FAST and began
my downward descent. I did not want anything to do with God or the church
or anything faith based. I just wanted to drink and live without a care
of who I hurt and was in a constant state of stress.
At this point in my life, my
relationship with my mom was so strained. The Bible beat down man had
finally left the picture, and I was drowning in self-doubt. I was loud
life of the party person, but had no substance. I will save you a ton of
really awesome juicy details for the sake of time--A wonderful group of amazingly strong Christian women came along side me and constantly invited me to a
Women’s group that was a part of the Base chapel called PWOC. I ignored
and brushed off every single invitation I ever received from them until these
women invited me into their lives and showed me what a Christian life REALLY
should look like. This was such a beautiful visual. These women loved
their families, they loved their kids so well. They disciplined in Love
and it was amazing to see. They loved and honored their husbands and this
was something that I was not use to seeing. I never had any of this in my
childhood. I was just in awe of the way they lived. Months went by
and finally, I said yes. I attended a Fall Kickoff event for PWOC and
that night my life changed. Jesus met me where I was in that moment.
I prayed that night for the first time in so many years. I fell into the
arms of a beautiful sister in Christ. One of the many that I watched for
months, one of the ones that poured into my soul before I even knew what that
meant. These women battled for me through prayer. This woman cried
with me and held me and prayed with me and just heard my heart. This
woman represents the at least 30 woman I can think of over the course of my
walk that have poured into me and I into them. That night was the first night
that I ever remember in my life feeling like a child running into the arms of a
good good father who was standing there with his arms stretched wide
open. I remember feeling like I was so much lighter, my heart was free
and I was free from the shackles and chains that had held me captive for so
many years. I maintained a strong faith in God with valleys and so many
mountaintop moments. I really prayed, I was diligent in my study of
God’s word.
God brought us so much and
brought us through so much... just read my previous blogs... GOD IS
SO GOOD! While I know this and I confess this with my mouth
often... something happened over the course of the last few years.
I began to get trapped. It was a slow process- God gave me an
amazing job that I have dreamt of since I was an 11 year old girl. My
family was complete and my dreams came true.... and then, I stated my
descent. I went through some pretty intense training and I can remember
one day that this training almost sent me into a full blown panic attack.
I was (in my mind) brought back to a place of deep hurt. I had to fight,
literally, I was in the middle of a fight and I couldn’t give up. My head
and heart were racing and I was fighting to not become that child that I’ve
locked away deep in the deepest parts of my heart. She was the victimized
one. She was shackled in chains by a man that knew better. I hadn’t
thought about that former self in years and yet there I was fighting to not
become her again. I WOULD NOT go back. I finished my fight and
moved on. Here’s where the problem began- I thought I could fight this
alone. It was such a gradual imprisonment, and of course I was
living it so I couldn't even see it. I was so sure that I could
fight off the self-doubt. I was so certain that I could fight this
battle. I would pray but I wouldn’t let God into that area- mainly
because I didn’t even know it was there. I was oblivious to the fact that
I, in my own heart had taken Gods place on the throne and I slowly began to
think that I could do this alone. This thing was so big but so well
hidden in my heard that I literally could not see it. For over 2 years
now I have been battling this deep rooted, hurt- ALONE. not because I was actually alone.... but because I would not let anyone into that space, heck, I didn't even know it was there. I knew God the
whole time, I said all the "Christian things" that I know to be true,
and there were really truly amazing moments of clarity. But all the while
this thing was growing. It was DEEP rooted in so much pain and I still don’t
know how I missed it or how I never dealt with it. I had amazing women walking
along side me, and yet I never went to that place. I prayed often for these women and they
prayed for me, but I still hadn’t figured out that I was not willing to let God
sit on the throne of my heart.
Before I get to this amazing
weekend, I must point out that God is so GOOD. He knew that this weekend
was waiting for me.
I went to a women’s conference
this weekend. This was something that I have not been able to do for
about 4 years. God met me where I was at this weekend. That deep
dark closet that I kept all of this hurt locked up in that has had me shackled
by fear and self-doubt was exposed.
I went into this thing
searching. I just didn’t know what I was searching for. I sat during
worship- because frankly I didn't feel like worshiping God. My heart was hard and I couldn’t even begin
to figure out why. I just wanted to sit... I had my planner out
for notes and I just began to prayer journal. This is something that I
have not done in so many years... The words flowed. My heart was
open and then I actually read what I was writing... "You did not
give me a spirit of fear" WHAT?!? I am not scared... I sat
there looking at my own words puzzled for a minute and then continued
remembering my life verse that I tucked away in my heart years ago "Do not
fear, for I am with you, DO NOT be dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen
you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10... I began to cry and I could literally feel my body relax
for the first time in years. I sat there finishing my prayer and
wondering what God had for me. The simulcast began and BOOM God just went
straight for it... His word is sharper that a double edged sword... "For this
reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you
through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a
spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy
1:6-7
SHUT UP.
This entire weekend was devoted to keeping our fire burning
bright. Knowing who you are in Christ and knowing that he DID NOT give us
a spirit of fear...
I was able to see this weekend that I need to be
intentional. I need to intentionally keep God at the center of
everything- even that one dark door that has been chained shut. I need to
be willing to accept God’s grace and his forgiveness. and allow him to heal this place. I also need to pour
into my little ladies even more so that they can really know the goodness of
God. My heart is so free. This weekend was literally chain
breaking. I have unknowingly kept myself in bondage. And I am so thankful that
I am free.
I just want to end this with encouragement- we all have
these deep places that we store hurts. I don’t care if you are male or
female- I don’t care if you are black or white, I don’t care if you are a stay
at home mom or a cop, we all have hurts that we don’t want to face because it’s
hard. Please allow God into those broken places. I have missed out
on so much that God has had for me because of fear. Don’t fool yourself
into thinking that you can fight this alone. I will pray with you and
help you dive deep into whatever your hurt may be. I am so thankful to
again be in alignment. I feel like I just ran into his arms again for the
very first time. God is so good!
I sounded ok and looked ok but I was drowning in this battle not even realizing that I was at war. I am so Thankful that God met me where I was at. God is soo soo GOOD!