Boldness...

In the last few months God has really begun to press into me this urgency for Boldness...  As he has pressed into me, he has given me opportunity after opportunity to be just that....  BOLD.  mostly with people I am just meeting for the first time.  I am a social person yes, however when it comes to putting my faith out there not know what kind of reaction I will get is TERRIFYING to me!  In these instances that he has give me both have been receptive.  I am excited to step out like this and share my faith...  he has also reminded me of my journey to him...  it wasn't pretty and it was a very long and rough road.  


when thinking about this boldness and this urge to speak when asked to...  I don't want to because I don't feel strong enough or because I don't want to look stupid...  he keeps reminding me that The holy spirit will give me all that I need when the time comes to speak...  its just my job to do as I have been asked.  why? Because God says so!  To be honest over the last year the question "why?" has pretty much disappeared from my prayers...  I don't really care why...  God asks me to do something and I am just going to move and do it...  don't get me wrong, there are many times that I don't want to do what he asks, however, I have seen him working in some HUGE ways in my life and in others and so I don't even want to question what he is doing.   you never know what that one invite to church, or that one random act of kindness, or that one little chat in the park will do for the person you are speaking to...  it took 2 very long years of one of my friends asking me every week to go to church or go to PWOC with her before I actually went and when I did...  I was finally ready to accept Christ into my heart and to change my life for the better...  This friend of mine was so bold even when she KNEW I would likely say no, she kept asking...  for 2 YEARS!  you never know where someone is at and you never know why God is prompting you to say something but if you are prompted to speak...  SPEAK!  

I should be....

EXHAUSTED....

So, in the last 9 months I have given birth to our little B.  Ran 4 Half marathons (2 were not actual races).  we have moved across the world...  again...  and I have taken on a huge responsibility with the PWOC presidency.   So, I should be EXHAUSTED with getting little sleep, I have not been exercising as I should, I have not been eating as I should...  but in all of this what I have been doing is spending a LOT of time in prayer...  God has blessed me so much by not allowing me to become weary or faint of heart.  he has held me up when I have felt like it was all just too much to carry.  he has given me great visions to show me that ITS OK to hurt and to be broken, ITS OK!  God has been so incredible to me and my family!  no my house is not perfectly clean but, I got to spend amazing prayer time with my daughter.  nope the laundry is not all done either but, I am still at peace.  God has been growing me so much here at Aviano.  its been painful but OH SO worth it!  I have never spent so much time on my knees crying out to my father as I have since we moved here, but I have also never been so incredibly blessed!  my body she be screaming but its not, my mind should be fried, but its not, my house should be a complete mess, BUT ITS NOT!  God is providing for me all over the place!   he is really showing me how to really open up to him and let him fully be in control...  I still have my moments on Wednesday mornings that I get flustered because we are late leaving the house and then lovely little attack after attack from Satan start nipping at me, but I learning to let it go and GIVE IT ALL to God!  I am so very thankful to have him on my side, otherwise I would be an utter mess right now!  THANK YOU GOD for never leaving me!  Thank you for holding me up when I was too tired and thank you for walking along side of me through all of this!  

God Sightings

I cant really put into words the feeling that I have and have had for the last week or so its almost an "awe" kind of feeling...  I am just in Awe of all the work God is doing all around me...  PWOC fall kick off was an amazing success with over 75 women showing up!  we prayed for a full ANNEX and GOD PROVIDED!!  as we kick off our Fall Bible Studies, God again provided will a full annex and MANY babies and children as well!  so many babies in fact that we had to turn some away at the door unfortunately.  As we all know in the military we can NOT go over fire codes and although they seem silly, they really are there for our safety.  Our Chaplin Adviser came in and explained that we were at max capacity for kiddos, however after he left he got us a temporary Nursery  upstairs for 10 (possibly more) babies!  Again God is providing...  God has provided for me on a more personal level as well, I struggle so badly at times with my oldest and how to parent her properly.  God has really taken the strain OUT of our relationship and healed it.  I am able to truly enjoy my amazing free spirited child for who she REALLY is and for who God made her to be!  

Sitting here writing this makes me REALLY miss the "God Sightings" portion of the Emerging service!  what an amazing way to really take a good hard look at your life and SEE where God is moving!  God is all over, he is moving and working and growing you and shaping you as we speak...  my challenge to all of you who read this is to truly look at your life and see al the amazing God sightings and SHARE them with the world!  God does not want us to keep this Love for him contained!  he wants us to really share his love with the world around us!   I am so encouraged!  God has AMAZING things planned for Aviano!  I cant wait to see what they are!  

Mirror mirror on the wall....

For the last few weeks I have been struggling (if you follow my blog you will notice this trend).  I have been feeling like there was a dis connect between me and God but I just couldn't quite pin point what it was...  he would break down one wall but then I would find that there was just another bigger right behind it.  this has gone on for MONTHS...  and let me say ITS EXHAUSTING!  I had been so lost and broken with everything going on....  never seeing Eddie because of his schedule, not getting enough sleep...  having to keep the girls quiet all day OR be out of the house all day,  which means no naps for Bailey... and when we are home she cant "cry it out" because Eddie has to sleep.  (both options over time are VERY draining) the weather is SOOO HOT its too hot to be outside.  I didnt feel like I was clicking with the PWOC ladies...  A was as wild and hyper as ever..  it really was a perfect storm.  and I was BREAKING under the pressure.  Well last week God FINALLY got to the biggest wall yet...  this one was a doosy!  a friend and I were chatting on the IM thing of face book..  the conversation took a VERY deep turn, quite refreshing actually...  anyhow, through this friend God was able to show me that I am simply not trusting him.  Yes I do what he asks of me but once I am there I don't TRUST him to do what he put me there to do to begin with.  So after that revelation, I chewed on the the realization that I really was not trusting God...  I didn't like it but I chewed on it, 2 days later at church (PWOC Sunday) God spoke in a VERY real way...  One of our ladies was praying and as she prayed she said something about a broken mirror.  right when she said that God gave me a wonderful vision.  He showed me a mirror that was perfect and a light and the lights reflection it was 1 beam of light...  then he showed me a broken mirror, and a light reflecting off of it and the light just filled the whole area.  in an instant God shared this all and made it VERY CLEAR that brokenness is beautiful to him.  he wants us to come to him BROKEN!  he cant do much with a perfect mirror but a broken mirror... WOW! 

when you are in the middle of a perfect storm, remember that nothing worth doing is easy, and nothing grows with out rain. 

Drawn to the cross...

Well for the last week I have been seriously struggling...  As I sit on my floor in my living room singing praise and worship music and really connecting with God again he begins to answer my question that I have BEEN PLEADING with him to answer for a while now...  " WHY do you feel so far away God? "  Why do I feel like I cant hear you?  WHERE ARE YOU?  you cant send me here and then LEAVE ME!  I need you.  I cant even begin to tell you how many hours have been spent in the last week with me on my knees balling my eyes out feeling so alone and then God just showed me why....  I am not allowing myself to be who he has made me....  He has made me into a beautifully transparent woman of God.  This is something I LOVE about who he has made me, I dont have to hide and be fake I can say YES I struggle!  Yes I deal with temptation, yes I AM NOT PERFECT AND THAT'S OK!  For some reason I have had blinders on for a while now and I have been feeling alone and isolated....  I KNOW in the deepest part of my being that God has sent me here for a reason...  and I have felt like this last week God just dropped me here and said good luck...  I dont REALLY know anyone here.  I don't know how they will react to my bold transparency...  guess what IT DOESN'T MATTER!  God has made me PERFECTLY and I WILL NOT apologize for that...  Who cares if I cry?  who cares if I am so consumed by Gods love and grace and mercy that I cant speak for a moment.  WHO CARES...  I have felt so alone this week and now I see its because I have held God at arms length because I was ashamed to be seen for what I am.  WHY?  who do I think I am?  I was scared of what others might think...  Thank you God for your forgiveness as you show me where I fall...  I am so thankful that I can come back and be honestly transformed into who I am in Christ.  I am so proud to be a child of God!    

"At the cross you beckon me, draw me gently to my knees, and I am lost for words so Lost in LOVE, I am sweetly broken, wholly surrendered!"

falling down

So, in the last week or so, I have been having a very hard time in my walk with Christ.  I have come to the conclusion that my hard week has been cause by a few different factors.  1) Lack of reading the Bible.  (I wont lie to you people) 2) not listening to God when he is speaking.  and 3) severe spiritual attack.  now no excuses, I have usually found some time in the day to sit and focus on my reading...  as of late though, Eddie is on nights meaning I see him for all of maybe 10 minutes per day,  5 when he gets home and 5 when he wakes up and before he leaves.  (he is on 12's right now)  anyways, the girls miss their daddy (its evident) and mommy is running on FUMES...  I have found though that when my day is done and I get the girls to bed, I usually have at least 2 hours after that to do whatever and this last week "whatever" has been sitting on the couch and watching the TV...  NO GOD!   I used to do my quiet time in the morning but lately its just too hard with B wakeing up 2 and 3 times still per night.  I cant remember the last time I got a solid 8 hours...  in conjunction with the not reading the Bible, the not hearing God speak, well, even in times of chaos and stress and GO GO GO, I am ALWAYS praying, I pray in the grocery store, in bed, doing dishes, during commercial break, (dont lie you know you have too!)  in the car, ( A LOT) before dealing with my daughters bad behavior...  but what I have had trouble doing lately (due to LACK of quiet time) is to stop and LISTEN.  Satan YELLS at you so you have no problem hearing that!  God however, whispers...  I have to begin (again) taking the time dailey to see what God has for me.  the last part of thi sperfect storm of a week is and has been spiritual attack.  I have actually caught myself several times in the last week calling myself stupid.  and it started with the thought " you're stupid"  just in case you didnt know this...  satan LOVES  your mind...  he loves planting little seeds in there and watching them bloom into untamed shrubs...  my mind has been under such insane attack its un real.  I cant even count how many times I have had to rebuke thoughts in the last few days.  The sad thing in all of this is that I KNOW THIS STUFF!  I know what gets me in the pits, I know what makes me break and YET every time its like its brand new all over again...  as of rigth now I am taking a stand against Satan and not letting him even get the chance to plant these foolish thoughts in my brain..  I am sick and tired of it!  God  is and always will be the way the truth and the life. 

Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me." John 14:6

Time Line.. God is good!

Eddie and I were speaking the other day and we realized just how God has been working in our lives now I will share this all with you!

April 2004-

I Join the Air Force

August 2004

I start going through on e of the roughest times in my life as Flashbacks from my abusive past start to take over my mind... Shop chief tries to help but Asst. shop chief does more damage than good.  I begin counsiling for PTSD

December 2004

I meet Eddie

March 2005

Eddie and I are married

May2005

we both get assignments to Turkey

July 2005

we both Get permanently decerted from PRP me for my PTSD and him - Guilty by assosiation...  our assignment to Turkey gets cancelled.

December 2005

we start trying for a baby

April 2006

we get an assignment to Guam. RNLTD Jan 2007

May 2006
we find out that we are pregnant with A. OOOPS baby is due Jan 2007 gotta push RNLTD back 2 months for passport processing.

October 2006

I seperate from the military to be a SAHM

November 2006

RNLTD gets pushed back to March 2007

January 2007

we had A (our first baby)

march 2007

RNLTD gets pushed back again due to no passport yet...new RNLTD May 2007

May 2007

We move to Guam

October 2007

I open my own business. start drinking...  a LOT.  flash backs start to come back full force.  not hanging out with good people at all.  I start to spiral out of control.   this cycle keeps going until September of 2009.

September 2009

I attend my second PWOC gathering and God gets ahold of me. 

November 2009

we think we are pregnant but neither of us want another baby.  I pray hard that if I am supposed to have another baby that God would change my heart... 

December 2009

we find out we are NOT pregnant and I am sad...  God changed my heart alright... 

January 2010

we get pregnant

January 2010

I close my business after 5 months of fighting the call to do so! Time to focus on A.

Feb 2010

we loose the baby

Feb 2010

we get pregnant again!  God is good!

May 2010

we get an assignment to Aviano Italy!  but wait that is a PRP base....   HMMM ...

September 2010

we find out that apparently the paperwork for permanent PRP decert was NEVER filed!  Eddie was just guilty because he was married to me anyways, so YAY GOD!!  Order are cut later.

November 2010

we have B

Feb 2011

Eddie is saved!

Feb 2011

God starts laying it on my heart to apply for the president position in Italy... 

March 2011

Eddie is Baptised! 

May 2011

I apply for the president position In Italy (after MUCH prayer of DO I HAVE TO???)

May 2011

we leave Guam

July 2011

we arrive in Italy and I am welcomed on as the new president for 2011-2012.

Now this may not seem like much, but WOW!!  God knew about this position here in Aviano 4+ years ago.... Even before I was a Christian!  Had we not gotten to Guam when did I may not have gone through all that I did and I may not have met the ladies I did meet that Led me to Christ..   I honestly think he placed that assignment to Turkey in our way JUST to show later how awesome he is!   God has been nothing short of amazing to me and my family!  and for anyone keep track as of Feb 2010 I have been flashback free!  God has taken away those painful flashes of a tormented life and I couldnt be happier about that!  God is so amazing and its on days like today that everything is going wrong, and yet I have Joy, OVERFLOWING JOY!  A has a stomach bug (vommitting and diareah) and B has a double ear infection...  we realized that we may have left a 200 liter pack of Gas Coupons in our hotel room when we left, (about $216.00 worth of Gas just gone!, now we will have to pay economy price about $8.00 per gallon until we can buy more on the 1st. ) my house is in shambles and yet I am still full of Joy!  God is amazing!  Just PLAIN AMAZING!!