Thursday, 19 July 2012

Blessings overflow

Over the past year, I have struggled with feelings of depression, not being loved, rejection, and the list goes on.  I feel so often that I give and give and give and never receive anything in return..  REALLY?  Jesus gave his life for me and I am pouting about giving TOO much of myself???  In the past 3 weeks God has poured no, not poured....  literally drenched me and my household in Love...  random things here and there.  E and I were on the list to attend a marriage retreat this coming weekend, but then our childcare fell through, so I let the chapel know that we couldn't attend due to this issue, and 2 wonderful women stepped up and readily offered to take our kids for the weekend.  I couldn't believe it!  frankly, I still cant!  not only that, a few weeks ago I knew I was attending the PWOC retreat next month, but funds have been tight since we have bought a new vehicle, so I wasn't sure where exactly to pull from when out of the blue I get a call from the chapel office (a wonderful friend of mine works up there, well, a few of them do!) and she says "I just got a phone call and someone wants to cover your cost for the retreat in August.  Is this something you would accept?"  I had literally just that day been going over and over where to pull from....  its not cheap either, nearly $200.00 to go, again I was completely astonished.  (Thank you to who ever you are that paid that fee!  what a blessing you have been...  a real God sighting!)  and the biggest blessing of all, the one that I seem to glance over each and every day, my children that God hand picked for me and E to raise.  I went out to a base event with a few friends on Tuesday evening, and before I left I told A that I was going and it was just for mommies, she burst into tears because she didn't want me to go.  in that moment I felt blessed by her tears, because I felt like it was reassurance that I was doing something right, and in this moment right now, I feel overwhelmed with love, That child has the biggest heart, she loves so freely and deeply, I pray that I would be more like that.  I pray that I would be more like my wonderful blessings...  In the last few weeks its as if God has literally reached down from heaven, held E and I in his hands and just poured on the love.  Since my disappearing act from Facebook, I am not in close contact with many people, but the ones that I have been in contact with have also just poured out onto our little family.  Thank you all for being the feet, the hands, the words, the breathe, and the love of God.  Through all of this, and many other little things here and there its as if God is saying "Buckelew family, I love you THIS much!" and even more specifically me personally, he has really laid it on thick!  I have sooo needed a good chat and a good long hug from my heavenly father and tonight I am FINALLY experiencing it, I really am blessed beyond belief, Thank you God for sticking with me through my mess...  I will likely continue to be a mess until I die, but I thank you for putting up with me and even blessing me when I have really done nothing to deserve it.  Thank you lord for not judging me but instead, welcoming me back into your arms.  This is a place that I have longed to be and I am finally home.  and I plan to stay here for a while...  Thank you for not giving up on me.
 here is a video that was shared with me after I posted this blog, it beautifully states everything I have been feeling.  Enjoy!!!

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

End Goal

So over my last few months I have really begun to seriously think about me...  who I am, what I do and why I do it...  I have discovered something...  I am LAZY!  If there is not an attainable goal at the end of whatever I am doing, I wont do it...  here a are a few examples...  After having B I lost 72 lbs in an 18 week period...  WHY because I was in a competition where the winner would get cold hard cash...  I took second place and what happened as soon as it was over...  I started eating whatever I wanted and stopped exercising...  why?  because I wouldn't win anything...  after about a year I managed to put back on 28 lbs....  laziness....  Training..  I have trained for and ran 7 half marathons...  but once the training is over...  so is my running!  why not stick with it?  because there is nothing I am pushing towards... So, in the last month, God has started a new work...   well he was probably always doing it but I am just now allowing myself to partake...  Each day our heavenly father gives us just what we need for that day...  once this realization struck me, I was able to tap into that through prayer and being focused.  I am working toward a better me... whether I can see what I will look like, or how I will act at the end or not.  God has given me all I need for THIS day and its my job to really focus on him and partake in this gift.  Through prayer and daily Bible reading I can just feel a shift in my spirit, I am much calmer, my thoughts are orderly, my family enjoys being around me and I them, relationships have been restored, my reactions to unforeseen instances are NOT what I would expect of myself, God is again at work in a mighty way in me.  I have been able to stay on top of my fitness 6 days a week!  not only that but I am able to even manage my food intake...  loosing weight getting healthy and with no end goal other than my personal success!  there are many times that I don't want to count the calories that I am eating, or that I don't want to read my bible or that I don't want to work out, but then God just whispers, "you can do this", and I do!  I don't know that I have ever been so focused on anything quite like I am now.  there has been a shift and I do believe this shift will have ripple effects in my life for many years to come.