Thursday, 25 August 2011

Mirror mirror on the wall....

For the last few weeks I have been struggling (if you follow my blog you will notice this trend).  I have been feeling like there was a dis connect between me and God but I just couldn't quite pin point what it was...  he would break down one wall but then I would find that there was just another bigger right behind it.  this has gone on for MONTHS...  and let me say ITS EXHAUSTING!  I had been so lost and broken with everything going on....  never seeing Eddie because of his schedule, not getting enough sleep...  having to keep the girls quiet all day OR be out of the house all day,  which means no naps for Bailey... and when we are home she cant "cry it out" because Eddie has to sleep.  (both options over time are VERY draining) the weather is SOOO HOT its too hot to be outside.  I didnt feel like I was clicking with the PWOC ladies...  A was as wild and hyper as ever..  it really was a perfect storm.  and I was BREAKING under the pressure.  Well last week God FINALLY got to the biggest wall yet...  this one was a doosy!  a friend and I were chatting on the IM thing of face book..  the conversation took a VERY deep turn, quite refreshing actually...  anyhow, through this friend God was able to show me that I am simply not trusting him.  Yes I do what he asks of me but once I am there I don't TRUST him to do what he put me there to do to begin with.  So after that revelation, I chewed on the the realization that I really was not trusting God...  I didn't like it but I chewed on it, 2 days later at church (PWOC Sunday) God spoke in a VERY real way...  One of our ladies was praying and as she prayed she said something about a broken mirror.  right when she said that God gave me a wonderful vision.  He showed me a mirror that was perfect and a light and the lights reflection it was 1 beam of light...  then he showed me a broken mirror, and a light reflecting off of it and the light just filled the whole area.  in an instant God shared this all and made it VERY CLEAR that brokenness is beautiful to him.  he wants us to come to him BROKEN!  he cant do much with a perfect mirror but a broken mirror... WOW! 

when you are in the middle of a perfect storm, remember that nothing worth doing is easy, and nothing grows with out rain. 

Monday, 8 August 2011

Drawn to the cross...

Well for the last week I have been seriously struggling...  As I sit on my floor in my living room singing praise and worship music and really connecting with God again he begins to answer my question that I have BEEN PLEADING with him to answer for a while now...  " WHY do you feel so far away God? "  Why do I feel like I cant hear you?  WHERE ARE YOU?  you cant send me here and then LEAVE ME!  I need you.  I cant even begin to tell you how many hours have been spent in the last week with me on my knees balling my eyes out feeling so alone and then God just showed me why....  I am not allowing myself to be who he has made me....  He has made me into a beautifully transparent woman of God.  This is something I LOVE about who he has made me, I dont have to hide and be fake I can say YES I struggle!  Yes I deal with temptation, yes I AM NOT PERFECT AND THAT'S OK!  For some reason I have had blinders on for a while now and I have been feeling alone and isolated....  I KNOW in the deepest part of my being that God has sent me here for a reason...  and I have felt like this last week God just dropped me here and said good luck...  I dont REALLY know anyone here.  I don't know how they will react to my bold transparency...  guess what IT DOESN'T MATTER!  God has made me PERFECTLY and I WILL NOT apologize for that...  Who cares if I cry?  who cares if I am so consumed by Gods love and grace and mercy that I cant speak for a moment.  WHO CARES...  I have felt so alone this week and now I see its because I have held God at arms length because I was ashamed to be seen for what I am.  WHY?  who do I think I am?  I was scared of what others might think...  Thank you God for your forgiveness as you show me where I fall...  I am so thankful that I can come back and be honestly transformed into who I am in Christ.  I am so proud to be a child of God!    

"At the cross you beckon me, draw me gently to my knees, and I am lost for words so Lost in LOVE, I am sweetly broken, wholly surrendered!"

Sunday, 7 August 2011

falling down

So, in the last week or so, I have been having a very hard time in my walk with Christ.  I have come to the conclusion that my hard week has been cause by a few different factors.  1) Lack of reading the Bible.  (I wont lie to you people) 2) not listening to God when he is speaking.  and 3) severe spiritual attack.  now no excuses, I have usually found some time in the day to sit and focus on my reading...  as of late though, Eddie is on nights meaning I see him for all of maybe 10 minutes per day,  5 when he gets home and 5 when he wakes up and before he leaves.  (he is on 12's right now)  anyways, the girls miss their daddy (its evident) and mommy is running on FUMES...  I have found though that when my day is done and I get the girls to bed, I usually have at least 2 hours after that to do whatever and this last week "whatever" has been sitting on the couch and watching the TV...  NO GOD!   I used to do my quiet time in the morning but lately its just too hard with B wakeing up 2 and 3 times still per night.  I cant remember the last time I got a solid 8 hours...  in conjunction with the not reading the Bible, the not hearing God speak, well, even in times of chaos and stress and GO GO GO, I am ALWAYS praying, I pray in the grocery store, in bed, doing dishes, during commercial break, (dont lie you know you have too!)  in the car, ( A LOT) before dealing with my daughters bad behavior...  but what I have had trouble doing lately (due to LACK of quiet time) is to stop and LISTEN.  Satan YELLS at you so you have no problem hearing that!  God however, whispers...  I have to begin (again) taking the time dailey to see what God has for me.  the last part of thi sperfect storm of a week is and has been spiritual attack.  I have actually caught myself several times in the last week calling myself stupid.  and it started with the thought " you're stupid"  just in case you didnt know this...  satan LOVES  your mind...  he loves planting little seeds in there and watching them bloom into untamed shrubs...  my mind has been under such insane attack its un real.  I cant even count how many times I have had to rebuke thoughts in the last few days.  The sad thing in all of this is that I KNOW THIS STUFF!  I know what gets me in the pits, I know what makes me break and YET every time its like its brand new all over again...  as of rigth now I am taking a stand against Satan and not letting him even get the chance to plant these foolish thoughts in my brain..  I am sick and tired of it!  God  is and always will be the way the truth and the life. 

Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me." John 14:6