Monday, 12 February 2018

Seasons Change

In the weeks leading up to my accident, I had been struggling.  Not only wrestling with my own personal strongholds, but also with where to put all the things I see and deal with in this profession.  It's not something we like to talk about.  We need to be strong, because sometimes we're all these people have.  I can totally be strong and stern when needed.   I can also offer grace when possible, but nothing can really prepare you for the real hard stuff.  Nothing can prepare you to see a child being worked on by EMT's, only to find out later that she didn't make it.  Nothing can prepare you to see someone die right in front of you.  Nothing can prepare you for the adrenaline dump that occurs after you encounter a subject with a gun (Once the scene is safe of course). We know these things because we're taught to expect them.   To know something and to experience something are two different monsters.

I can't fully articulate the intricacies of all the feelings and emotions associated with the job.  I can, however, say that they begin to weigh a lot over time.  The night of my accident, I felt a spiritual unrest.  I knew that I had been struggling for a while in my life, but I was just heavy in the reality of the world we live in.  In this job I, WE, see the worst parts of humanity on a daily basis.  We see people on the worst days of their lives (lets face it, no one calls the cops for a BBQ). My heart was so heavy, I texted a friend when I had a few minutes.  I simply stated that I needed a break.  I shared my heart a little bit and was going to look at my calendar when I got home to pencil in some down time.  I needed to recuperate.  I needed a season of Rest. Not just physical rest, but spiritual and mental rest, as well.  Then the calls began pouring in and we were back at the grind once more...  While en-route to a high priority call, my partner and I were struck by a drunk driver.  We jokingly say that the accident only cost us an arm and a leg- because when your hand is broken and your partner has to be cut out of a Police unit, with a broken Femur- you have to be able to laugh.  We have laughed and we have cried.  God literally provided a break (not quite what I had in mind, but...).  God, I believe, has a sense of humor.  

This season of my life has been so SO needed.  I wish I could put into words the rejuvenation I feel.   God began a new work that night.  I can certainly speak for myself in saying that this incident has forced me to face my own garbage that I keep lugging around with me.  I do also believe that this has done the same for my partner.  

Romans 8:28 says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." 

I truly believe that God used this incident to provide the rest I so desperately needed.   This season of life has been so full of life and REALLY good things.  While I hope to not ever fall back into that pit, I am pressing on into a new season.  This week I will hit the streets once more.  As I am preparing my equipment, scripture is coming to mind and I am so excited to see what God has for this next season of life.  My heart is overflowing with gratitude for this season and for unrelenting pursuit of my God.  I feel like he left the 99 to come find me and I am just overjoyed.  

God is so good.  

Sunday, 11 February 2018

A long battle

This picture says exactly how I feel.  Running into the warm embrace of my Good Good Father.  

Let me explain- This is such a long time coming.  In order to understand the breakthrough we must go way back...  I became a Christian on 14 September 2009.  Yes I remember the date.  Ok I was brought up in the church, but it was not a true Gospel based faith and I did not know God intimately until that evening in September 2009 when I FINALLY said yes.  My childhood was riddled with abuse and my View of God was heavily distorted by my step father who claimed to be a Christian, but twisted the Bible into this book of "You better not Ever's"  and "God is going to hate you for this" No Grace.  In fact I never even heard that word a single time in my upbringing.  So as you could imagine I didn’t just walk away from the church, I ran SO FAST and began my downward descent.  I did not want anything to do with God or the church or anything faith based.  I just wanted to drink and live without a care of who I hurt and was in a constant state of stress.  

At this point in my life, my relationship with my mom was so strained.  The Bible beat down man had finally left the picture, and I was drowning in self-doubt.  I was loud life of the party person, but had no substance.  I will save you a ton of really awesome juicy details for the sake of time--A wonderful group of amazingly strong Christian women came along side me and constantly invited me to a Women’s group that was a part of the Base chapel called PWOC.  I ignored and brushed off every single invitation I ever received from them until these women invited me into their lives and showed me what a Christian life REALLY should look like.  This was such a beautiful visual.  These women loved their families, they loved their kids so well.  They disciplined in Love and it was amazing to see.  They loved and honored their husbands and this was something that I was not use to seeing.  I never had any of this in my childhood.  I was just in awe of the way they lived.  Months went by and finally, I said yes.  I attended a Fall Kickoff event for PWOC and that night my life changed.  Jesus met me where I was in that moment.  I prayed that night for the first time in so many years.  I fell into the arms of a beautiful sister in Christ.  One of the many that I watched for months, one of the ones that poured into my soul before I even knew what that meant.  These women battled for me through prayer.  This woman cried with me and held me and prayed with me and just heard my heart.  This woman represents the at least 30 woman I can think of over the course of my walk that have poured into me and I into them. That night was the first night that I ever remember in my life feeling like a child running into the arms of a good good father who was standing there with his arms stretched wide open.  I remember feeling like I was so much lighter, my heart was free and I was free from the shackles and chains that had held me captive for so many years.  I maintained a strong faith in God with valleys and so many mountaintop moments.   I really prayed, I was diligent in my study of God’s word.

God brought us so much and brought us through so much...  just read my previous blogs...  GOD IS SO GOOD!  While I know this and I confess this with my mouth often...  something happened over the course of the last few years.  I began to get trapped.  It was a slow process- God gave me an amazing job that I have dreamt of since I was an 11 year old girl.  My family was complete and my dreams came true....  and then, I stated my descent.  I went through some pretty intense training and I can remember one day that this training almost sent me into a full blown panic attack.  I was (in my mind) brought back to a place of deep hurt.  I had to fight, literally, I was in the middle of a fight and I couldn’t give up.  My head and heart were racing and I was fighting to not become that child that I’ve locked away deep in the deepest parts of my heart.  She was the victimized one.  She was shackled in chains by a man that knew better.  I hadn’t thought about that former self in years and yet there I was fighting to not become her again.  I WOULD NOT go back.  I finished my fight and moved on.  Here’s where the problem began- I thought I could fight this alone.  It was such a gradual imprisonment, and of course I was living it so I couldn't even see it.   I was so sure that I could fight off the self-doubt.  I was so certain that I could fight this battle.  I would pray but I wouldn’t let God into that area- mainly because I didn’t even know it was there.  I was oblivious to the fact that I, in my own heart had taken Gods place on the throne and I slowly began to think that I could do this alone.  This thing was so big but so well hidden in my heard that I literally could not see it.  For over 2 years now I have been battling this deep rooted, hurt- ALONE. not because I was actually alone....  but because I would not let anyone into that space, heck, I didn't even know it was there.  I knew God the whole time, I said all the "Christian things" that I know to be true, and there were really truly amazing moments of clarity.  But all the while this thing was growing.  It was DEEP rooted in so much pain and I still don’t know how I missed it or how I never dealt with it.  I had amazing women walking along side me, and yet I never went to that place.  I prayed often for these women and they prayed for me, but I still hadn’t figured out that I was not willing to let God sit on the throne of my heart.  

Before I get to this amazing weekend, I must point out that God is so GOOD.  He knew that this weekend was waiting for me.  

I went to a women’s conference this weekend.  This was something that I have not been able to do for about 4 years.  God met me where I was at this weekend.  That deep dark closet that I kept all of this hurt locked up in that has had me shackled by fear and self-doubt was exposed. 

I went into this thing searching. I just didn’t know what I was searching for.  I sat during worship- because frankly I didn't feel like worshiping God.  My heart was hard and I couldn’t even begin to figure out why.   I just wanted to sit...  I had my planner out for notes and I just began to prayer journal.  This is something that I have not done in so many years...  The words flowed.  My heart was open and then I actually read what I was writing...  "You did not give me a spirit of fear" WHAT?!?  I am not scared...  I sat there looking at my own words puzzled for a minute and then continued remembering my life verse that I tucked away in my heart years ago "Do not fear, for I am with you, DO NOT be dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:10...  I began to cry and I could literally feel my body relax for the first time in years.  I sat there finishing my prayer and wondering what God had for me.  The simulcast began and BOOM God just went straight for it...  His word is sharper that a double edged sword...   "For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:6-7


This entire weekend was devoted to keeping our fire burning bright.  Knowing who you are in Christ and knowing that he DID NOT give us a spirit of fear...  

I was able to see this weekend that I need to be intentional.  I need to intentionally keep God at the center of everything- even that one dark door that has been chained shut.  I need to be willing to accept God’s grace and his forgiveness. and allow him to heal this place.   I also need to pour into my little ladies even more so that they can really know the goodness of God.  My heart is so free.  This weekend was literally chain breaking. I have unknowingly kept myself in bondage. And I am so thankful that I am free.   

I just want to end this with encouragement- we all have these deep places that we store hurts.  I don’t care if you are male or female- I don’t care if you are black or white, I don’t care if you are a stay at home mom or a cop, we all have hurts that we don’t want to face because it’s hard.  Please allow God into those broken places.  I have missed out on so much that God has had for me because of fear.  Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you can fight this alone.  I will pray with you and help you dive deep into whatever your hurt may be.  I am so thankful to again be in alignment.  I feel like I just ran into his arms again for the very first time.   God is so good! 

I sounded ok and looked ok but I was drowning in this battle not even realizing that I was at war.  I am so Thankful that God met me where I was at.  God is soo soo GOOD!

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

leap of faith!

This is a blog I began years ago because I felt called to do so.  this is a place to record ALL of the awesome things that God has done, but also a place to share the growing pains myself and my family goes through.  I, as I am sure you have gathered if you have followed my blog for ANY amount of time, am a very VERY open person.   I feel as though being open and transparent is something that is unique about me. we all have unique qualities and this is one about myself that I embrace.  

This blog today is unique in that it is unlike any other I have written thus far.  I am letting you all in on something that's been brewing for quite some time.  so, lets begin.  

For about 3 years Eddie and I have tossed around the Idea of getting out of the military.  I was too scared before our last PCS.   and its was just something talked about.  We didn't pray over it at that time, it was all talk...  well early in 2014 The topic came back to light again and this time we were both pricked by the spirit about this and we began to pray...  we prayed for some time until we felt certain that this is what God has called us to.  we were both 100% at peace with the decision to voluntarily separate from the Air Force.  This kind of peace can only come  from God himself.  Eddie went in and applied for voluntary separation from the AF in February.  I had a small group of ladies praying with me over this decision, as its a HUGE thing to leave a career you have been working toward for 11 years...  ESPECIALLY because we have 3 littles to think about.  This Choice has been something that we have put 100% in Gods hands.  Already God has lined so many things up...  The most precious private school, support, a restored and LOVING family to go home to,  School for Eddie to FINALLY be able to do something he LOVES, friends waiting with open arms.  I know God has a plan for this transition, and while we cant see quite how ALL the pieces fit together, We have complete and unwavering faith that God is in control of this.  Our faith has grown with each passing year and circumstance.  God has yet to fail us and I know he wont start now!  

I know some of you wont understand this decision, and that's OK.  We believe that this is what we have been called to do, and God has never called us to anything that he hasn't guided us through.   while we are so sad that this chapter of our lives is coming to a close, we can not WAIT to see what God has planned for us.  Its going to be a wild ride, but here we are holding on tight standing firm on our decision.  Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."   we are holding tight to the God of David and Abraham and Noah...    

With all this said we got our final notice today saying that we have been approved and if all goes as planned we will be leaving Italy mid summer 2014.  My heart is full of excitement and joy as I write these words.  We can not wait to be close to Eddies family again, and to be close to my family for the first time in 11 years!   

Thank you for reading, if you would like to follow our journey into civilian life and beyond, you are welcome to follow this blog.  

Tuesday, 1 April 2014

God is Faithful

So, its been 2 years since I re vamped our food situation to help out with A's hyperactivity.  (read about it  HERE and HERE)  To be honest, I have forgotten how difficult life used to be.  It been 2 years with a completely NEW child.  Dye still effects her, but we are VERY diligent about not giving her Dye.  She is even reading her own labels now!  WOO HOO!  I guess my point in writing today is because of one morning this week where I had a meeting with my old A....  IT. WAS. UGLY.  This morning was like any other, get her up for school, hand her the clothes for the day and she trotts off to the bathroom to get dressed...  well, for 30 minutes I had a crying child who 100% REFUSED to put on a pair of tights...  she has no issues with tights.  she wears them all the time.  but this was SUCH a huge reminder of where we have come from.  this kind of heel digging was EVERY DAY!  paired with intense hyper activity, and emotional ups and downs ALL. DAY. LONG....  I dont encounter this A very often.  The diet, I have learned, is great for the hyperactivity Tantrums, and the over emotional outbursts.  so I rarely deal with this side of her anymore.  Anyhow,  I was struck later in the day by this thought...  Just as I am NOT the person I was when I first became a Christian, A is no longer the same little girl she was.  Dont get me wrong, there are things she will never loose, her goofiness, her spunk, her kind servants heart.  but so much has melted away over the years...  I forget all the tears, I forget all the stress and anger.  I can say 1 thing for certain,  this is all a HUGE testament to Gods faithfulness.   I can remember the moment I felt the prick on my heart in Paris like it was yesterday.  This whole time I have pressed into God SOOO many times.  this was a huge leap for Eddie and I to try this diet for her and we have ALL benefited from it!   God has been with us every step of the way.  We are all such a work in progress, its really a treat to be able to look back at our lives just even 2 years ago and see all the transformation that has happened in us, and esp in our A!  I am so proud of that girl.  She is such a blessing to us.  I am so thankful for the reminder of where we came from and the reminder of how much she has changed...  We are blessed.  I LOVE every moment of this adventure we are on.

I encourage you to take a look at your life for the last few years.  how have you changed?  how has your family, your children, your spouse changed?  bring up these changes as an encouraging word to them!  

Happy reminiscing :)

Thursday, 27 June 2013

roller coaster week


Our week in a nutshell...  its been ROUGH!  

Monday – find out it’s a boy!

Tuesday- got to the airport all was well

Got on flight to Germany and all went well

Got off flight in Chicago- plane landed late – Bailey exploded a diaper resulting in a trashed stroller and a trashed pair of pants- security threw a fit about passports and chapstick in pockets and water in a sippy cup- mommy melted down- ran to catch next (eddie barefoot/ me sobbing the whole way) –flight was delayed- thankfully-

Got off the flight in Dallas- hotel was NOT listed at any courtesy phone area and no # available on the reservation form- called a different hotel (from courtesy phone)  to get the # for the hotel we needed-  no American change for pay phones and no working American cell- slight wifi connection to use magic jack app to make a VERY choppy call that was frustrating on both ends- wait 30 minutes for the shuttle-

Got to hotel-  even though I booked a double queen room we were given a single king room- made pallets for girls and passed out at 2 am- gave the girls a bath in the morning and the bath tub leaked through the wall…  YES through the wall-

Eddie left to get rental car- shuttle to the airport and another shuttle to the rental car place- after arriving he was informed that he could NOT get the car since it was in my name and since we “could be estranged” he could be stealing something from me- (good thought in theory, but in this particular situation it was not so awesome) – so 2 hours later eddie comes back to the room carless- mommy melts down-

Got the rental car and all goes well-

Got to walmart and meet an amazingly helpful and wonderful woman named Dee- got a phone and all was well-

Got to Eddies parents home and all was well-

Got to Elishas house – Eddie and I get sick much be something we ate along the way.  Thankfully Ash was ok but B has been exploding diapers since Chicago. 

Woke up saw the clock, thought my sister in law was late for an apt (clock said 9:05 and the apt was at 8:30)  so I woke her up only to find out it was only 6:30 in the morning- saw tech results the second they came out and frantically woke eddie up from a deep sleep- after the shock wore off he was pumped- got a phone call from usaa stating that someone tried to use our credit card 9 times to make a $1800 purchase from a random coffee company-  (who needs that much coffee EVER?!?!)  

This week has been amazing and frustrating.  it has been VERY UP and VERY DOWN.  All in all, I am thankful, for so much.  Thankful that we made it to Texas in 1 piece, thankful that we are having a baby boy! and thankful for our sweet little ladies who really are amazing travelers!  Thankful that My hubby made Tech! Thankful that USAA doesn't sleep on the job, and they don't hold us accountable for crooks. Thankful that our sickness didn't last long, and that we are all mended up this morning.  I am thankful that we have family soooo  excited to see us and the girls.  This will be an awesome trip.  looking forward to the rest of it :)

Monday, 6 May 2013

Our "rainbow baby"

 Today I am thankful for prayer, Gods healing hand and Gods faithfulness! Today I am 12 weeks pregnant. 

I have had 2 miscarriages, and after the last one, we prayed that God would bless us with another child. HE DID!!! at my first ultrasound (6 weeks) the Dr saw a hematoma in with baby. (basically a blood clot) he had me scheduled for every other week ultrasounds to monitor the growth both of baby and the Hematoma. a lot of prayer has gone up for this pregnancy, and today I had my Fourth ultrasound... I am praising God because not only has he allowed me to carry the baby this long, but he has shrunk the Hematoma!!!! 

i am so very thankful!!! 

Thank you For all of your prayers, we are so very blessed to have so many amazing friends!!  

Today I was introduced to a term that I was not familiar with, So I will share it with you now.  

"Rainbow Baby"
A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth.

In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.

God uses every single situation that we find ourselves in for good.  There will always be an upswing, you just have to have faith!  

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Change of heart!

Something has happened over the last few months of 2012...  something beautiful!  

I remember when we moved to Italy, I was heart broken that Ashlynn would not be able to be in Pre-K.  She was then 4 years old and FULL of wild energy...  I was exhausted and felt defeated as a mother on a daily basis...  In about November / December I sunk into a pretty nasty depression...  I was miserable, I didnt know how to deal with my kid, this new base we were at was just hard to get used to, the language barrier was driving me crazy, and to top it off my 4 year old just never EVER slowed down...  EVER!  I remember sometime in February coming clean to one of my friends and of course my hubby that I was so sad all the time.  sad wasnt even the word for it...  just plain miserable was more like it...  I had gained nearly 30 lbs in 7 months, and everything had begun to take its toll...  

In march of 2012 Eddie and I were blessed my a friend that offered to watch our little lady so that we could take an anniversary trip to Paris..  it was 5 days of  awesome changes God was doing in my heart...  Something clicked in my brain while we were there.  when we got home I was on a MISSION to deal with Ashlynns hyperactivity naturally.  God had begun a wonderful work in my heart and I was determined to see it through.  from that moment on for over 2 weeks I poured over every document I could find about links between dye and hyperactivity...  Eddie and I decided to change our families diet in order to help our daughter.  we did just that.  I went back to the states and got Ashlynn who had been spending a few weeks with her grandparents in Texas.  (we have lived overseas her entire life so this was something she looked forward to!) when we got home Eddie went TDY for 1 month.  that gave me time to purge the house of EVERYTHING that contained dye...  I am not kidding when I say over half our pantry was gone!  for the first time ever I cooked every meal we ate from scratch.  it was not something I was accustomed to, so it was a little difficult, but I did it as I had faith that this was going to help our Ashlynn.  after about a week and a half I noticed a huge change in her behavior, by the time Eddie got home, he was blown away by the changes in her as well...  who knew FOOD had such an effect on children's behavior?!?!

through the course of our year God slowly changed my heart toward my child.  I was excited for her to go to School but not desperate for her to go.  I enjoyed having her around the house.  I thought surely when Christmas break would arrive I wouldn't be able to stand it and would want her to go back to school ASAP..  but that is 100% not the case!  I completely enjoy having her home.  she is such a sweet child.  God has completely transformed me as a mommy to my little ones.  I enjoy them so much more now.   I do not take any second for granted that I have with them.  I will say through this year I spend more time praying for changes within myself than changes with in her.  I prayed that God would allow me to see her as he does.  I have never enjoyed being a mother as much as I do now!  Children are such a blessing!  and I know at times they get on our nerves, but they are growing and learning too.  cut them some slack!  after all doesnt God cut us a lot of slack?  

Blessings to all of you in 2013!  I pray that God would allow all of you to see your children the way that God sees them!