Wednesday, 21 December 2011


So,  since arriving in Italy I have felt a stirring to share a message again that God gave me last spring about hearing from him...  well in looking through my notes from said message I was C-O-N-V-I-C-T-E-D!!!!  how have I fallen so far and not even realized it...  I was reading MY OWN TYPED WORDS (given by God) and there was so much power in them, SOOOO MUCH TRUTH, how have I let myself fall from that spot of complete submission and closeness?  WHO AM I???  No wonder I have been so incredibly stressed and agitated, no wonder I feel like i have the world on top of my shoulders, no wonder I cant get into the holiday spirit...  I am NOT and I repeat NOT  in right standing with God...  Satan is a smooth criminal...  who would have known that that message God gave me last spring would be the SAME ONE to revive me months later....  I am just a shell of the woman who wrote that.  a Shell of the woman God spoke so incredibly clearly to...  I have had little awakenings over my time here in Italy but this is like a full on FOREST FIRE!  I feel like I am FINALLY awake!  WOW....  God you REALLY REALLY work in beautiful and amazing ways!  I cant even explain this feeling, I may not even sleep tonight...  I think I will hold my own prayer concert here at home...  my LOVE for Christ and his LOVE for me has just been revived!     Repenting for my sin ( my attitude) and repent ( my action) THANK YOU AGAIN GOD for that WONDERFUL and inspiring word, and I so look forward to getting back to where we were!  OH HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, 1 December 2011

break my heart

So, I have heard many times in my short christian walk (mostly in songs) this phrase "break my heart for what breaks yours"  I thought about that statement and came to the conclusion that to be more Christlike I should have my heart broken for what breaks his...  I cant keep flirting with sin even if it seems ok...  my biggest thing I struggle with is TV and what is appropriate and not...  so I prayed, GOD, BREAK MY HEART FOR WHAT BREAKS YOURS!   and I prayed that a LOT and I meant it...  well the moment it happened I knew it was happening, I could feel my hair standing up on the back of my neck and I was just nauseous,   but I fought it and watched the show anyways...  and the show got worse, and so did my discomfort...  this went on for about 4 episodes of this show and finally he broke me...there was one scene that I will NOT describe but just know that I had nightmares and woke up at least (not being dramatic here either) 10 times that night...  Acts 3:19 says "Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord"  I finally got it through my head I must A) thank God for Breaking my heart and allowing me a glimps into his pain that we cause him, and B) I MUST repent and get right with God... I did and now anytime I start to watch anything I am VERY weary as I don't want to feel like that again!  Am I saying all TV is bad...  NO however, that is where discernment comes into play...  

Monday, 21 November 2011


In the last few months God has really begun to press into me this urgency for Boldness...  As he has pressed into me, he has given me opportunity after opportunity to be just that....  BOLD.  mostly with people I am just meeting for the first time.  I am a social person yes, however when it comes to putting my faith out there not know what kind of reaction I will get is TERRIFYING to me!  In these instances that he has give me both have been receptive.  I am excited to step out like this and share my faith...  he has also reminded me of my journey to him...  it wasn't pretty and it was a very long and rough road.  

when thinking about this boldness and this urge to speak when asked to...  I don't want to because I don't feel strong enough or because I don't want to look stupid...  he keeps reminding me that The holy spirit will give me all that I need when the time comes to speak...  its just my job to do as I have been asked.  why? Because God says so!  To be honest over the last year the question "why?" has pretty much disappeared from my prayers...  I don't really care why...  God asks me to do something and I am just going to move and do it...  don't get me wrong, there are many times that I don't want to do what he asks, however, I have seen him working in some HUGE ways in my life and in others and so I don't even want to question what he is doing.   you never know what that one invite to church, or that one random act of kindness, or that one little chat in the park will do for the person you are speaking to...  it took 2 very long years of one of my friends asking me every week to go to church or go to PWOC with her before I actually went and when I did...  I was finally ready to accept Christ into my heart and to change my life for the better...  This friend of mine was so bold even when she KNEW I would likely say no, she kept asking...  for 2 YEARS!  you never know where someone is at and you never know why God is prompting you to say something but if you are prompted to speak...  SPEAK!  

Thursday, 15 September 2011

I should be....


So, in the last 9 months I have given birth to our little B.  Ran 4 Half marathons (2 were not actual races).  we have moved across the world...  again...  and I have taken on a huge responsibility with the PWOC presidency.   So, I should be EXHAUSTED with getting little sleep, I have not been exercising as I should, I have not been eating as I should...  but in all of this what I have been doing is spending a LOT of time in prayer...  God has blessed me so much by not allowing me to become weary or faint of heart.  he has held me up when I have felt like it was all just too much to carry.  he has given me great visions to show me that ITS OK to hurt and to be broken, ITS OK!  God has been so incredible to me and my family!  no my house is not perfectly clean but, I got to spend amazing prayer time with my daughter.  nope the laundry is not all done either but, I am still at peace.  God has been growing me so much here at Aviano.  its been painful but OH SO worth it!  I have never spent so much time on my knees crying out to my father as I have since we moved here, but I have also never been so incredibly blessed!  my body she be screaming but its not, my mind should be fried, but its not, my house should be a complete mess, BUT ITS NOT!  God is providing for me all over the place!   he is really showing me how to really open up to him and let him fully be in control...  I still have my moments on Wednesday mornings that I get flustered because we are late leaving the house and then lovely little attack after attack from Satan start nipping at me, but I learning to let it go and GIVE IT ALL to God!  I am so very thankful to have him on my side, otherwise I would be an utter mess right now!  THANK YOU GOD for never leaving me!  Thank you for holding me up when I was too tired and thank you for walking along side of me through all of this!  

Sunday, 11 September 2011

God Sightings

I cant really put into words the feeling that I have and have had for the last week or so its almost an "awe" kind of feeling...  I am just in Awe of all the work God is doing all around me...  PWOC fall kick off was an amazing success with over 75 women showing up!  we prayed for a full ANNEX and GOD PROVIDED!!  as we kick off our Fall Bible Studies, God again provided will a full annex and MANY babies and children as well!  so many babies in fact that we had to turn some away at the door unfortunately.  As we all know in the military we can NOT go over fire codes and although they seem silly, they really are there for our safety.  Our Chaplin Adviser came in and explained that we were at max capacity for kiddos, however after he left he got us a temporary Nursery  upstairs for 10 (possibly more) babies!  Again God is providing...  God has provided for me on a more personal level as well, I struggle so badly at times with my oldest and how to parent her properly.  God has really taken the strain OUT of our relationship and healed it.  I am able to truly enjoy my amazing free spirited child for who she REALLY is and for who God made her to be!  

Sitting here writing this makes me REALLY miss the "God Sightings" portion of the Emerging service!  what an amazing way to really take a good hard look at your life and SEE where God is moving!  God is all over, he is moving and working and growing you and shaping you as we speak...  my challenge to all of you who read this is to truly look at your life and see al the amazing God sightings and SHARE them with the world!  God does not want us to keep this Love for him contained!  he wants us to really share his love with the world around us!   I am so encouraged!  God has AMAZING things planned for Aviano!  I cant wait to see what they are!  

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Mirror mirror on the wall....

For the last few weeks I have been struggling (if you follow my blog you will notice this trend).  I have been feeling like there was a dis connect between me and God but I just couldn't quite pin point what it was...  he would break down one wall but then I would find that there was just another bigger right behind it.  this has gone on for MONTHS...  and let me say ITS EXHAUSTING!  I had been so lost and broken with everything going on....  never seeing Eddie because of his schedule, not getting enough sleep...  having to keep the girls quiet all day OR be out of the house all day,  which means no naps for Bailey... and when we are home she cant "cry it out" because Eddie has to sleep.  (both options over time are VERY draining) the weather is SOOO HOT its too hot to be outside.  I didnt feel like I was clicking with the PWOC ladies...  A was as wild and hyper as ever..  it really was a perfect storm.  and I was BREAKING under the pressure.  Well last week God FINALLY got to the biggest wall yet...  this one was a doosy!  a friend and I were chatting on the IM thing of face book..  the conversation took a VERY deep turn, quite refreshing actually...  anyhow, through this friend God was able to show me that I am simply not trusting him.  Yes I do what he asks of me but once I am there I don't TRUST him to do what he put me there to do to begin with.  So after that revelation, I chewed on the the realization that I really was not trusting God...  I didn't like it but I chewed on it, 2 days later at church (PWOC Sunday) God spoke in a VERY real way...  One of our ladies was praying and as she prayed she said something about a broken mirror.  right when she said that God gave me a wonderful vision.  He showed me a mirror that was perfect and a light and the lights reflection it was 1 beam of light...  then he showed me a broken mirror, and a light reflecting off of it and the light just filled the whole area.  in an instant God shared this all and made it VERY CLEAR that brokenness is beautiful to him.  he wants us to come to him BROKEN!  he cant do much with a perfect mirror but a broken mirror... WOW! 

when you are in the middle of a perfect storm, remember that nothing worth doing is easy, and nothing grows with out rain. 

Monday, 8 August 2011

Drawn to the cross...

Well for the last week I have been seriously struggling...  As I sit on my floor in my living room singing praise and worship music and really connecting with God again he begins to answer my question that I have BEEN PLEADING with him to answer for a while now...  " WHY do you feel so far away God? "  Why do I feel like I cant hear you?  WHERE ARE YOU?  you cant send me here and then LEAVE ME!  I need you.  I cant even begin to tell you how many hours have been spent in the last week with me on my knees balling my eyes out feeling so alone and then God just showed me why....  I am not allowing myself to be who he has made me....  He has made me into a beautifully transparent woman of God.  This is something I LOVE about who he has made me, I dont have to hide and be fake I can say YES I struggle!  Yes I deal with temptation, yes I AM NOT PERFECT AND THAT'S OK!  For some reason I have had blinders on for a while now and I have been feeling alone and isolated....  I KNOW in the deepest part of my being that God has sent me here for a reason...  and I have felt like this last week God just dropped me here and said good luck...  I dont REALLY know anyone here.  I don't know how they will react to my bold transparency...  guess what IT DOESN'T MATTER!  God has made me PERFECTLY and I WILL NOT apologize for that...  Who cares if I cry?  who cares if I am so consumed by Gods love and grace and mercy that I cant speak for a moment.  WHO CARES...  I have felt so alone this week and now I see its because I have held God at arms length because I was ashamed to be seen for what I am.  WHY?  who do I think I am?  I was scared of what others might think...  Thank you God for your forgiveness as you show me where I fall...  I am so thankful that I can come back and be honestly transformed into who I am in Christ.  I am so proud to be a child of God!    

"At the cross you beckon me, draw me gently to my knees, and I am lost for words so Lost in LOVE, I am sweetly broken, wholly surrendered!"

Sunday, 7 August 2011

falling down

So, in the last week or so, I have been having a very hard time in my walk with Christ.  I have come to the conclusion that my hard week has been cause by a few different factors.  1) Lack of reading the Bible.  (I wont lie to you people) 2) not listening to God when he is speaking.  and 3) severe spiritual attack.  now no excuses, I have usually found some time in the day to sit and focus on my reading...  as of late though, Eddie is on nights meaning I see him for all of maybe 10 minutes per day,  5 when he gets home and 5 when he wakes up and before he leaves.  (he is on 12's right now)  anyways, the girls miss their daddy (its evident) and mommy is running on FUMES...  I have found though that when my day is done and I get the girls to bed, I usually have at least 2 hours after that to do whatever and this last week "whatever" has been sitting on the couch and watching the TV...  NO GOD!   I used to do my quiet time in the morning but lately its just too hard with B wakeing up 2 and 3 times still per night.  I cant remember the last time I got a solid 8 hours...  in conjunction with the not reading the Bible, the not hearing God speak, well, even in times of chaos and stress and GO GO GO, I am ALWAYS praying, I pray in the grocery store, in bed, doing dishes, during commercial break, (dont lie you know you have too!)  in the car, ( A LOT) before dealing with my daughters bad behavior...  but what I have had trouble doing lately (due to LACK of quiet time) is to stop and LISTEN.  Satan YELLS at you so you have no problem hearing that!  God however, whispers...  I have to begin (again) taking the time dailey to see what God has for me.  the last part of thi sperfect storm of a week is and has been spiritual attack.  I have actually caught myself several times in the last week calling myself stupid.  and it started with the thought " you're stupid"  just in case you didnt know this...  satan LOVES  your mind...  he loves planting little seeds in there and watching them bloom into untamed shrubs...  my mind has been under such insane attack its un real.  I cant even count how many times I have had to rebuke thoughts in the last few days.  The sad thing in all of this is that I KNOW THIS STUFF!  I know what gets me in the pits, I know what makes me break and YET every time its like its brand new all over again...  as of rigth now I am taking a stand against Satan and not letting him even get the chance to plant these foolish thoughts in my brain..  I am sick and tired of it!  God  is and always will be the way the truth and the life. 

Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me." John 14:6

Friday, 29 July 2011

Time Line.. God is good!

Eddie and I were speaking the other day and we realized just how God has been working in our lives now I will share this all with you!

April 2004-
I Join the Air Force
August 2004
I start going through on e of the roughest times in my life as Flashbacks from my abusive past start to take over my mind... Shop chief tries to help but Asst. shop chief does more damage than good.  I begin counsiling for PTSD
December 2004
I meet Eddie
March 2005
Eddie and I are married
we both get assignments to Turkey
July 2005
we both Get permanently decerted from PRP me for my PTSD and him - Guilty by assosiation...  our assignment to Turkey gets cancelled.
December 2005
we start trying for a baby
April 2006
we get an assignment to Guam. RNLTD Jan 2007
May 2006
we find out that we are pregnant with A. OOOPS baby is due Jan 2007 gotta push RNLTD back 2 months for passport processing.
October 2006
I seperate from the military to be a SAHM
November 2006
RNLTD gets pushed back to March 2007
January 2007
we had A (our first baby)
march 2007
RNLTD gets pushed back again due to no passport RNLTD May 2007
May 2007
We move to Guam
October 2007
I open my own business. start drinking...  a LOT.  flash backs start to come back full force.  not hanging out with good people at all.  I start to spiral out of control.   this cycle keeps going until September of 2009.
September 2009
I attend my second PWOC gathering and God gets ahold of me. 
November 2009
we think we are pregnant but neither of us want another baby.  I pray hard that if I am supposed to have another baby that God would change my heart... 
December 2009
we find out we are NOT pregnant and I am sad...  God changed my heart alright... 
January 2010
we get pregnant
January 2010
I close my business after 5 months of fighting the call to do so! Time to focus on A.
Feb 2010
we loose the baby
Feb 2010
we get pregnant again!  God is good!
May 2010
we get an assignment to Aviano Italy!  but wait that is a PRP base....   HMMM ...
September 2010
we find out that apparently the paperwork for permanent PRP decert was NEVER filed!  Eddie was just guilty because he was married to me anyways, so YAY GOD!!  Order are cut later.
November 2010
we have B
Feb 2011
Eddie is saved!
Feb 2011
God starts laying it on my heart to apply for the president position in Italy... 
March 2011
Eddie is Baptised! 
May 2011
I apply for the president position In Italy (after MUCH prayer of DO I HAVE TO???)
May 2011
we leave Guam
July 2011
we arrive in Italy and I am welcomed on as the new president for 2011-2012.

Now this may not seem like much, but WOW!!  God knew about this position here in Aviano 4+ years ago.... Even before I was a Christian!  Had we not gotten to Guam when did I may not have gone through all that I did and I may not have met the ladies I did meet that Led me to Christ..   I honestly think he placed that assignment to Turkey in our way JUST to show later how awesome he is!   God has been nothing short of amazing to me and my family!  and for anyone keep track as of Feb 2010 I have been flashback free!  God has taken away those painful flashes of a tormented life and I couldnt be happier about that!  God is so amazing and its on days like today that everything is going wrong, and yet I have Joy, OVERFLOWING JOY!  A has a stomach bug (vommitting and diareah) and B has a double ear infection...  we realized that we may have left a 200 liter pack of Gas Coupons in our hotel room when we left, (about $216.00 worth of Gas just gone!, now we will have to pay economy price about $8.00 per gallon until we can buy more on the 1st. ) my house is in shambles and yet I am still full of Joy!  God is amazing!  Just PLAIN AMAZING!! 

Friday, 8 July 2011

My cup is overflowing...

So, as I sit in out TLF (hotel room) i have been struck time and time again with Gods love.  He is just pouring out blessing after blessing on our family.  First off our leave time at home was awesome with Eddies family and with my family it allowed for some healing and some serious fun with my momma,  I have never felt so close to her, I was very sad to leave and start our new adventure.  then as time went on, God-incidence after God-incidence!  From the get go, our flights were not as bad as we had feared with the 2 kiddos.  the long hard flights they both slept the hole time!  Then a wonderful place to stay with 2 (YES 2 )bedrooms,  and as any of you who ACTUALLY know me know, I NEED my space!  we have had ladies from the chapel step up to help with rides and invite us out to eat!  we have had a home practically handed right to us, a car has been worked out, the girls are back on regular schedules, and I have been officially selected as the PWOC (Protestant women of the chapel) president for the 2011-2012 term here in Italy.  I know this position will be tough BUT, I also know that God has called me to it and I am so willing to take this on and I ask anyone that is reading this to please pray for me through the year!  God has just blessed this family so much its crazy!  I actually am a bit speechless about it!  God you have TRULY made our cups over flow, Thank you Lord for all you have given us and I pray that we would bring glory to you with and through all you have given us and entrusted us with! 

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.
 The Lord is my Shepard, I have all that I need.
 He lets me rest in green meadow, he leads me beside peaceful streams.
 He renews my strength.
   He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.
 Even when I walk through the darkest valley,[a]
   I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.
   Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.
 You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies.
   You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings.
 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
      all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

the real battlefield...

So, if you follow my blog at all, you know I was dealing with a broken spirit earlier this week...  After much prayer and seeking after God he has made some things very clear to me!  I will share these things now...  Church on Sunday morning SHOULD NOT be the only time you are in the presence of God.  We should seek him in all we do!  I know that I am a MONSTER to be around when I do not spend time in the word (the bible) each day.  something I have been hearing a lot about since I have been away from my normal comfy surroundings is "you don't have to go to church to be a christian"  well, I use to say this ALL THE TIME, and while I still do believe it is true to an extent, Church is a place (or should be) of accountability, trust, fellowship, leaning and prayer.  I am a leaner and a lean-ee if that makes sense...  I will lean on someone when I need to be lifted up, for example I KNOW that when I am angry I WILL NOT pray...  I dont know why but its just one of the many things I am working on, so through the fellowship of attending services I have met many ladies that I can lean on in those times and I can just call them (yes from all the way across the ocean too!) and they will pray with me when I cant (or wont) on my own.  HOWEVER, these women will also make it a point to hold me accountable and at the end of our conversations and them praying for me they will ask for me to then pray before we hang up...  see this is something the Bible refers to as "Iron sharpens Iron"  we keep one another accountable and we help each other through things that we struggle with.  so I am the leaner and the lean-ee because when someone needs me I listen we pray and I will check up on them as they do me!  so where you don't need to church to be a christian, you DO need fellowship and food (a message) to get you through the hard times...  Well, really you need God to get you through the hard times but you need to have people that you can lean on...  now I am in no way saying to rush into your local church and start spilling your guts but I am saying to find a good accountability partner and also to STAY in the word as much as you can...  I was so broken earlier in the week and it wasn't until I really gave this all to God that I was able to start enjoying my time here...  One big thing I struggle with is crowds and lots of people in small areas, it makes me nervous and a little panic-y.  being around too many people at once, not getting any solace, not fellowship-ing the way I am use to...  these are all things that send me into a tail spin and wow this week has been full of each.   This is one area that I have had to completely surrender to God.  and since I have, I have had an odd sense of peace come over me in those situations.  Gods Lesson for me in this week is that the real battlefield is not in the church pews, it is in the every day...  anyways, this blog today is totally random but I felt it needed to be said so it was...  Please continue to pray for my family and I as we continue our transition. 

Friday, 3 June 2011


So we have been in the states for about 3 days now and WOW....  Satan has really done a number on me.  I had a nightmare last night That I allowed Satan to steal my Joy and then I woke up and realized it was NOT a dream....  I really had allowed him to steal my Joy.  I jumped out of bed with a completely different emotion that I cant even quite put my finger on what it was/is...  I will try to explain though.   I was Angry that I had allowed Satan to literally STEAL my Joy,  I was scared about what would happen if I let it  go on for even 1 more second, and I was / AM CRAVING Gods word and time alone with JUST him...  its kind of bizarre to me because, I haven't felt stressed the last few days, but I have been VERY annoyed, sad, getting my feelings hurt so easily,  frustrated, and then yesterday my body actually started feeling physically ill...  its kind of like I was crumbling under pressure...  I felt yesterday in a room full of people that I was all alone...  I honestly feel like an outcast, like I don't belong.  and in some ways I KNOW I don't.  In that moment yesterday when I felt all alone in a room full of people, I literally felt like all energy and happiness and love and joy was just sucked out of my body...  I just felt ugly and heavy and sad...  I think this has something to do with not being around other believers, I am so use to close intimate fellowship and transparency with other Christians that I kind of feel lost here...  well I got up this morning I read my devotional and it was all about "leaning on God"  this is something I should have done yesterday...  I know that spiritual warfare is totally real...  some of you reading this are probably thinking "this person is INSANE, what a freak"  and in your eyes I am a freak but I am not living for you my friend, I am living for God.  the attacks have been so real here its scary...  I have heard things said about other christian's that just makes me want to cry.   God is still the same God from the old testament who speaks and sometimes he does speak in visions and sometimes he is quiet and simply speaks by pulling on your heart...  I am so at a loss for the right words right now, I just know that God is doing a new work in me and apparently that scares people... I have God on my side and I actually RECEIVE this fact RIGHT NOW!  So if God is with me WHO can stand against me?!?!   I don't care what you say about me behind my back what you say about me to my face, what you think about me...  I know where I stand with God....  DO YOU??? 

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

travel, and trusting God....

So as many of you know we just left the amazing island of Guam...  we are visiting family for a month and then its off to Italy for 4 years...  well, the night before we left Eddie and I prayed together for our travels, for our stress levels, and just for things to go smoothly, and if they didn't for us to NOT freak out...  well, let me begin with saying that I did MUCH better than I ever have before and I KNOW it was all God.  there were a few hang ups along the way but I had an amazing husband at my side reminding me to give it to God.  EVERY TIME I would start to get stressed and "wiggy" Eddie would just lean over and say " didn't we just pray about this?"  and we had, and I would pray quietly again to let it go...  well, on the plane I was reading "battlefield of the mind" by Joyce Meyer, and I now KNOW FOR A FACT that Satan was just attacking my mind through all that travel.  but thanks to prompting from God I just took a step back each time and gave the thought, situation, person, attitude, or fear to God and things would just fall into place...  lets just say that this entire PCS is FULL to the brim with "God-incidence's"  How blessed am I to have an amazing husband and 2 fantastic daughters?!?!  we have amazing family all across Texas that we are visiting along the way.  so thankful for all that God has done and provided for my family and I!  

Oh and I wanted to share that while reading that book on the plane, something stuck out to me...  When we struggle with something, for me my BEST example is stress and anger (these two are like salt and pepper in my world)  anyways, when we struggle with them and pray about working through these areas in our lives but then immediately speak ill of ourselves because of these areas, we are not allowing God a chance to get in and work in those areas because our minds are already defeated...  I am now working on only saying and THINKING (every word and sin begins with a thought!)  things that line up with Gods word!  if you hear me doing other wise CALL ME OUT!!!!!!!  
Have a blessed week everyone! 

Saturday, 21 May 2011

running and and quiet time, or running FROM quiet time??

So in the last month God has prompted me to really start making an effort to spend quality quiet time with him...  I will be honest and say that in the last month I have averaged about 3 days per week that this quiet time actually happens...  I think I put too much pressure on myself like "am I doing this right?"  When I do my quiet time I read my daily devotional called "hearing from God each morning" by Joyce Meyer.  its so practical!  anyhow, I read this and then I go to my bible and look up whatever the message was about today..  then I read and pray for about an hour...   then often If I am done before my little ladies wake up I shimmy right back into bed...  BAD IDEA!!  

Ok so on mornings that I dont get up and do my quiet time, the girls are basically my alarm clock.  but when I do not wake up before them I am such a crab!  I am NOT a morning person you can ask my mother and my husband...  they WILL NOT lie for me!   anyways I know that having my quiet time in the morning just makes my day go smoothly and YET I still resist!  

now onto the running...  right now my husband and I are both training for a half marathon.  it will be my 4th and his 5th one so we have done this training thing a few times now...  but for me, I now have a nursing baby..  who by the way is 6 months old and is still NOT sleeping through the night...  YIKES!  well when I get ready for my long run I always have to take into account my little bug, so typically I wake up at about 4 am and fee d her and let my body wake up and then start running by 5:00 AM.  well this morning,  she happened to wake up at about 3:30 to feed so I just laid back down when I was done nursing and set my alarm for 4:30.  THEN I snoozed it 2 times!  so now I am up and out of by dressed and off running all in 10 minutes....  all of this = NO BUENO!! 

my run this week was only 9 miles so I thought it would be fine...  not so much...  when I began running I realized that Eddies Garmin (GPS watch) was set with alarms for me to alert me when I was going too slow and too fast...  I told Eddie the night before what paces to set it at and lets just say I was a LITTLE ok A LOT off the mark!  after mile 3 I was getting beeped at every 15 seconds for running too slow!  it was just fantastic to be so annoyed on my run...  then I began to get very tired because A) I didn't let my body fully wake up and B) I started out a little too fast straight out of the gate...  so at about mile 7 I was VERY VERY Annoyed!   I began to pray "God what am I missing here?"   he gave me a vision of my morning and how quickly I rushed through it and just started running...  and then all at once it was all so crystal clear!  when I don't wake up before my girls do on a regular basis, I am miserable just as I was running this morning.  so thus the connection was made and I now have been taken down a notch and am going to really try to get up each and every morning EARLY and STAY up and spend time with God...  I don't ever want to feel like this again! 

Tuesday, 17 May 2011


This morning during my quiet time God really got me!  Ha made something so obvious to me that I struggle with daily...  ok, so when I became a christian there were many things that God began to change in me, my attitude, my MOUTH, my patience, he began to grow me.  the thing is though, it was gradual.  it DOD NOT happen over night.  I amazes me how much I have changed HOWEVER, when I see someone struggling in an area I was once in and they are so close to "changing"  and yet they fight it (just as I did) I get SO FRUSTRATED!!  but WHY??  God was not frustrated with me at all...  he was very loving and patient with me as I let the Holy Spirit into my life to change me for the better!  I am going to make a conscious effort to LOVE EVERYONE WHERE THEY ARE AT!   God is good and often we learn the most from those times of pushing God...  or rather fighting change once we embrace change, everything is easier.  I am so thankful that God has not treated me in the way that I sometimes treat other when frustrated...  I am never mean, I just know how I feel and its not nice!  anyways, just sharing some self reflection...  

Tuesday, 10 May 2011


So this morning my devotional was about Faith so I went to my bible and opened the concordance and found a section on faith it pointed me to Hebrews 11 so I read that chapter...  WOW!!  I will attach it at the end of my blog for your reading pleasure!  anyways in my devotional it specifically said That sometimes God asks you to do things that you have NO experience doing so that you may grow in your faith...  Well right now He has asked me to step out and apply for a position on the PWOC board in Italy.  its not for sure that I have the position but as I have watched the hand of God move through the last about 8 months (since we got our assignment to Italy) its been amazing.  He has made the impossible possible and he has really shown ME that listening to him and obeying him is really for the best.  so as for this board position I am stepping out in BLIND faith...  I know NO ONE there (except the people he has placed in my life already) Its a new country, new base, Hubby will likely be deployed, a whole new group of women, (who lets face it, are probably wondering why this random person from Guam is applying for the position) all of these reasons make me not want to go through with this, yet God is asking me to do it so I have let them know I am interested and am awaiting the application...  God is good, maybe this is just a test of obedience to see if I will obey his call, and maybe I am not the right fit for the position, OR on the other hand maybe God knows exactly what he is doing and I will be asked to join the board and if I am I will fill this position to the best of my ability while relying on God to get me through...  God is good and thus far he has not asked me to do ANYTHING that he hasn't pulled me all the way through...  I am so thankful to serve a God who help me along the way!

Hebrews 11

Great Examples of Faith
 1 Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. 2 Through their faith, the people in days of old earned a good reputation.
 3 By faith we understand that the entire universe was formed at God’s command, that what we now see did not come from anything that can be seen.
 4 It was by faith that Abel brought a more acceptable offering to God than Cain did. Abel’s offering gave evidence that he was a righteous man, and God showed his approval of his gifts. Although Abel is long dead, he still speaks to us by his example of faith.
 5 It was by faith that Enoch was taken up to heaven without dying—“he disappeared, because God took him.”[a] For before he was taken up, he was known as a person who pleased God. 6 And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.
 7 It was by faith that Noah built a large boat to save his family from the flood. He obeyed God, who warned him about things that had never happened before. By his faith Noah condemned the rest of the world, and he received the righteousness that comes by faith.
 8 It was by faith that Abraham obeyed when God called him to leave home and go to another land that God would give him as his inheritance. He went without knowing where he was going. 9 And even when he reached the land God promised him, he lived there by faith—for he was like a foreigner, living in tents. And so did Isaac and Jacob, who inherited the same promise. 10 Abraham was confidently looking forward to a city with eternal foundations, a city designed and built by God.
 11 It was by faith that even Sarah was able to have a child, though she was barren and was too old. She believed[b] that God would keep his promise. 12 And so a whole nation came from this one man who was as good as dead—a nation with so many people that, like the stars in the sky and the sand on the seashore, there is no way to count them.
 13 All these people died still believing what God had promised them. They did not receive what was promised, but they saw it all from a distance and welcomed it. They agreed that they were foreigners and nomads here on earth. 14 Obviously people who say such things are looking forward to a country they can call their own. 15 If they had longed for the country they came from, they could have gone back. 16 But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland. That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.
 17 It was by faith that Abraham offered Isaac as a sacrifice when God was testing him. Abraham, who had received God’s promises, was ready to sacrifice his only son, Isaac, 18 even though God had told him, “Isaac is the son through whom your descendants will be counted.”[c] 19 Abraham reasoned that if Isaac died, God was able to bring him back to life again. And in a sense, Abraham did receive his son back from the dead.
 20 It was by faith that Isaac promised blessings for the future to his sons, Jacob and Esau.
 21 It was by faith that Jacob, when he was old and dying, blessed each of Joseph’s sons and bowed in worship as he leaned on his staff.
 22 It was by faith that Joseph, when he was about to die, said confidently that the people of Israel would leave Egypt. He even commanded them to take his bones with them when they left.
 23 It was by faith that Moses’ parents hid him for three months when he was born. They saw that God had given them an unusual child, and they were not afraid to disobey the king’s command.
 24 It was by faith that Moses, when he grew up, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. 25 He chose to share the oppression of God’s people instead of enjoying the fleeting pleasures of sin. 26 He thought it was better to suffer for the sake of Christ than to own the treasures of Egypt, for he was looking ahead to his great reward. 27 It was by faith that Moses left the land of Egypt, not fearing the king’s anger. He kept right on going because he kept his eyes on the one who is invisible. 28 It was by faith that Moses commanded the people of Israel to keep the Passover and to sprinkle blood on the doorposts so that the angel of death would not kill their firstborn sons.
 29 It was by faith that the people of Israel went right through the Red Sea as though they were on dry ground. But when the Egyptians tried to follow, they were all drowned.
 30 It was by faith that the people of Israel marched around Jericho for seven days, and the walls came crashing down.
 31 It was by faith that Rahab the prostitute was not destroyed with the people in her city who refused to obey God. For she had given a friendly welcome to the spies.
 32 How much more do I need to say? It would take too long to recount the stories of the faith of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel, and all the prophets. 33 By faith these people overthrew kingdoms, ruled with justice, and received what God had promised them. They shut the mouths of lions, 34 quenched the flames of fire, and escaped death by the edge of the sword. Their weakness was turned to strength. They became strong in battle and put whole armies to flight. 35 Women received their loved ones back again from death.
   But others were tortured, refusing to turn from God in order to be set free. They placed their hope in a better life after the resurrection. 36 Some were jeered at, and their backs were cut open with whips. Others were chained in prisons. 37 Some died by stoning, some were sawed in half,[d] and others were killed with the sword. Some went about wearing skins of sheep and goats, destitute and oppressed and mistreated. 38 They were too good for this world, wandering over deserts and mountains, hiding in caves and holes in the ground.
 39 All these people earned a good reputation because of their faith, yet none of them received all that God had promised. 40 For God had something better in mind for us, so that they would not reach perfection without us.

Monday, 2 May 2011


Its funny, God always gets my attention in the late evening hours or the wee early morning hours...  maybe that's just when I am most open to his prompting, or maybe its just when I am most likely to actuallt LISTEN to what he has to say.  This evening God wrapped me in LOVE and Peace and CRAZY ABUNDANT JOY!!  I am so thankful that My God cares enough about me to prompt me daily to surrender all I have to him.  I can do all things through Jesus Christ.  I cast my burdens on him and he gladly takes them and just showers me with immeasurable peace in ALL things!  I serve an amazing God and I am just so thankful that he Loves ME as much as he does!  I keep feeling Satan attempting his attacks on me "the movers are coming" "you aren't going to have ANYTHING for a month" "your child is going to go stir crazy"  he is trying to find an in anywhere he can and each time I surrender EVERYTHING I have to God, I get this Vision of Satan cowering.  its quite powerful!  Thank you God for Loving me so much that you sent your son to die for me and all my sins,  Thank you for loving me and accepting just like I am, BROKEN, and the foot of your throne.  Thank you for the free gift of salvation you have given to me.  Amen!

God has blessed me so much!  I am so very thankful for all he has done, I think my transformation through Christ is most evident to me right now in the midst of this move, when before I was a christian I would have flipped my lid numerous times already.  but now, I am so mellow, not that I don't instinctively begin to react because I do but then I bow and surrender it all to him...  my new phrase....  Gods got this!  He knew I would be right here so there is no need to worry, Gods got this!  He is in control my job is just to keep walking, he will tell me when to turn!

Thursday, 28 April 2011

moving on...

Today has been an emotional day for me and many other people.  I have to say that my emotions were a little wild for selfish reasons, I will elaborate in a moment.  Friends of mine will be leaving island for good a Lot sooner than originally planned.  This made me oh so sad to think that I will have to say good bye to yet another amazing family!   hence my emotions going NUTS!  I cant even begin to explain in words how different my life is today than the day we landed on this island!  and it is in large part to the amazing people that God has put in my path.  Iron truly sharpens iron!  God has truly blessed me with rich friendships here that will last a lifetime!  these people God has placed in my life have literally become family.  you see them and you just click!  they get you, you get them, its a beautiful thing called Fellowship!  I learn something new, and grow from nearly every conversation with these people.  ALL of them.  This island has been such a blessing to me in my life, it has shown me that people are really good.  people really will jump in and help out all the time!  God has taught me a lot through many things I have experienced on this island all the while placing amazing people in my path every step of the way!  as we near the end of this chapter of life and move on into the next I just sit in AWE of all that God has done. so VERY thankful for the friendships and bonds formed here that will NEVER be broken.  In many ways I am thankful for every wrong turn I have taken here, because God was there waiting for me with a lesson every single time!  sometimes they were painful and sometimes they weren't as bad as I thought, but every time I learned something new about God and his love.  As I am typing this I am reminded of a scripture...
Romans 8: 38-39

38 And I am convinced that nothing can separate us from his Love.  Death cant, and Life cant.  The Angels cant and the demons cant.  Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell cant keep Gods Love away.  38  Whether we are high above the sky, or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the Love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our lord.

No mater what I do God is still going to Love me!  no matter how many times I fall flat on my face he is there to pick me up and dust me off.  I am so thankful for is Abounding Love and for him showing me his love so often through other believers!   I know that it is NOT the island of Guam that has Changed me, it has been Jesus Christ that has changed me!  and he will be with me wherever I go!

Wednesday, 20 April 2011


So, Why is prayer so important?  and I am not talking about a simple night time prayer (there is NOTHING wrong with these prayers!) I am talking about the prayer throughout the day kind of prayer...  I find that the more I pray about the day ahead the smoother that day flows.  If I pray about EVERYTHING throughout my day things just flow.  Today for example, I did NOT pray last night for focus and help with my frustration and anger for today, and I noticed that today I was a bit on edge...  probably had something to do with the fact that I was up with B MOST of the night but, still THAT IS NO EXCUSE!  anyways after I met with a friend this morning I said a prayer and wow did my mood change!   I simply let go of my "ugly" and let God in!  and throughout our running around this afternoon with Daddy and the out processing I prayed to myself before we walked into each place, and the TB check was AWESOME the guy had a wonderful attitude (not usually the case!)  then to the dreaded post office (again a little prayer to myself)  and E was in and out in less than 2 minutes!  and that NEVER happens!  then putting B down for a nap...  no fight just straight to sleep!  after the night she had I was expecting world war 3!  God just helps everything flow.  I could have gotten irritated at the clinic because B was fussy, and A was all over the place, but God helped me stay relaxed.  and FYI I have found that when I stay relaxed A listens SOOO much better!  and I could have gotten mad at the post office because there were NO parking spots but na God again helped me stay calm.  I know that Day has a lot more in store for me but I also know that if I am in constant prayer God will help me with all that I need!  As I have said before God seriously rocks my socks off! 

Monday, 18 April 2011

His yoke is light!

  Matthew 11:27-30

“My Father has entrusted everything to me. No one truly knows the Son except the Father, and no one truly knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.”
  Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

God gave me this Verse this evening Partly for a friend and partly for myself I think!  As I think and meditate on these verses, I am overcome with Excitement (I know... WEIRD!!!)  but I do!  I cant help but be a little giddy about the fact that God WANTS to take all my cares and worries away from me!  and all I have to do is ask...  however, in the same way, I get a little sad and yet in awe at the same time (if that makes any sense)  because Jesus came and he died for ME and ALL of my sins...  He died for MY ANGER, for MY UNTAMED TONGUE, for my pride, for my Vanity, he died for all the thing that NONE of us like to talk about and yet we all do.  I get sad because I know that I can control all of these things and yet I find myself daily almost hourly falling right back into them...  I cant quite find the right words to describe how amazing it feels to know that Jesus Christ died for me and for you too!  Anything you struggle with, HE DIED FOR IT!  What an amazing gift salvation is!  and best of all is that ITS FREE!!  I cant even begin to tell you how amazing I felt when I FINALLY let go and gave God his throne back in my life.  I felt like a 9000 lb elephant had been lifted off my shoulders, that's not to say that I don't still struggle, I do daily, however, I know in my heart that God has this under control! all I have to do is stop what I am doing and PRAY "God please help me with my (fill in with what ever your struggling with!)"...  as soon as you stop and pray its like God can jump into the drivers seat and save you from hitting the giant cedar tree you were aiming for!  I want to share this amazing gift that God has given me with you...  YES YOU!!!  So if you are not a Christian this is all you have to do!  

Romans 10:9-13 

9 If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved. 11 As the Scriptures tell us, “Anyone who trusts in him will never be disgraced.”[b] 12 Jew and Gentile[c] are the same in this respect. They have the same Lord, who gives generously to all who call on him. 13 For “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”[d]

So if you confess right now with your mouth and believe in your heart that God died for YOU, thats it!  so you can say something like this :

"God, I come to you and confess that I am a sinner, I believe that Jesus came to this earth and died for my sins.  I pray that you would wash me clean.  I thank you for this free gift God,  and I pray that you would help me on my path." 

simple as that!  doesn't matter where you do it, in your cubical at work, making dinner, sitting at the computer, anywhere!  God already knows you intimately and he wants you to come to him.  its amazing how your life changes!  It has taken me about a year to see any real growth and I only saw it by looking at old home movies and hearing how I spoke to my child, then and NOW...  WOW!  God has done a number on me!!!!!  let him do one on you too!   after you do, TELL SOMEONE!  preferably another christian so they can help you grow!  people say it all the time that "I can be a christian and not go to church"  yes you can BUT God created Fellowship for a reason!  it keeps us accountable and it helps us grow!  Iron truly does sharpen Iron!  sometimes its uncomfortable and it may hurt your ego from time to time, but at the end of the day, God is GOOD all the time! 

when you hurt in your walk with him HE IS GROWING YOU!  yes IT HURTS!!  I will share with you one simple reason for me, that I know that God is real and WORKING in me!  Last February My husband and I found out we were pregnant.  soon after finding out, I lost the baby.  my husband was not yet a christian, but I was.  I prayed so hard after we left the hospital for God to allow me to understand WHY this happened...  as I fell asleep sobbing to myself in my bed all alone, I had a dream (this was the first time God spoke to me in a dream) I was sitting at a Table with God, he leaned over to me, took my hand and said " I allowed you to loose this baby for your husbands salvation"  I woke up with those words ringing in my ears.  Right then and there I gave this loss to God and moved on as best I could.  there were many times I would see all my pregnant friends (there were 5 of us all preggo at the same time) and wonder if I made up the dream to make myself feel better... (I did not) the very next month God allowed me to get Pregnant again and we now have our little Bug!  anyways, a WHOLE YEAR passed and in that year I just held onto those words that God spoke to me.  Then randomly we had a marriage retreat here where we live, I asked my husband if he would like to go and was kind of shocked when he agreed to attend.  the evening of the retreat we were lying in bed talking and My husband Gave his life To Christ!!  I was so happy.   but what was even more awesome for me (I didn't put 2 and 2 together for about a week) was that He Gave his life to Christ 1 year to the day that we found out we were pregnant with the first baby (our little Blueberry!)  I was sooo excited I could have climbed out of my own skin!   God uses every situation for his glory!  and this was just amazing to watch!  so, even now, I am thankful for how it all worked out, yes loosing our blueberry was painful, yes it was hard to pick up and move on, all I did was cast all of my pain and worry onto God and he took it all. when God is with you WHO (or what) can stand against you?  Ok I am off my soap box now, please just take it seriously the commitment you just made but also take it day by day!  we all fall down but God helps us back up! 

Sunday, 17 April 2011


So, in the last few days I have really begun to feel the affects of this move.  As I have previously mentioned in my blog, a big stronghold in my life is Anger.  well, it seems that Stress has become Angers best friend!  and for me this equals DISASTER!!  Between, Appts for the girls, appts for me (that I have to find sitters for during this time= BIG STRESSER because I HATE asking for help!) Out Processing Appts for Eddie (that automatically TRUMP ANYTHING I have going on that day EVEN my appts) and purging the house...  its been a serious mess!  Eddie and I have both been on edge which makes one remark turn into world war 3...  I have found in the last few days that when stress and Anger get together there is just the tiniest sliver of hope that I will pray my way out of it...  I KNOW what I need to do, and yet once my blood begins to boil its like an instant inferno!  talk about 0-900 in 1 second flat...  well, if you are reading this please kindly keep me and my family in your prayers as the stress of moving is ONLY going to get worse as the days count down.  I know God has brought me a VERY long way from where I started, however, I know I have a VERY LONG way to go!  its so hard to just LET GO and know that getting Angry is really only going to make matters worse.  so, Today I am going to try my best to do just that.  I am right now stepping off the throne of my life and giving it back to God.  I cant possibly control all that is coming my way anyways.  God really does have everything under control, its my job to allow him the room to work! 

Thursday, 14 April 2011

If God is with us then WHO can stand against us??

Friend I am so thankful for your forgiveness!  Thank you for your kind heart and abounding Love!

This is not to say that we wont have bad days and or encounter hard times and mean people, BUT With Gods help all things are possible!  This afternoon is proof of just that!  God is amazing!  I went to my friend and asked for forgiveness, the whole meeting went well.  I cant even begin to describe how terrified I was to actually see her, mostly because I was afraid to hear how much damage I had caused.  I Pushed away an amazing person and over what?  NOTHING!  I cant believe I ever even was that person.   well, I can now say from experience that when you feel one way ODDS ARE the other person feels THE SAME WAY!!!  Just talk about it...  all this junk that happened between us all came about because of mis-communication and or just NOT talking at all.  well the leading up did anyways, and then I took matters into my own hands...  anyways, that is all in the past and I am looking forward to maybe starting fresh with this friend.  I only wish is had not taken me an entire year to get over myself!  Thank you God for the push I needed to do JUST THAT!  These last 4 years have been very interesting I have had up moments and down moments, hit rock bottom,  Found God and here I am.  Looking forward to the next chapter in life, just wishing this one didn't have to be over quite so soon!

Wednesday, 13 April 2011


well, This week started out amazing and it just keeps getting better, HOWEVER, God Spoke early this week of something that I KNOW in my heart needs to be done so I will step out in Blind faith and do it.  At PWOC on monday night I got a Vision Of an estranged friend and I was on her door step speaking to her.  I prayed that is God really wanted me to go to her that he would tell me exactly what to say.  that night I had a dream and I heard every word I was supposed to say.  I am to ask for forgiveness for all of the hurt I inflicted in my early walk with Christ.  (I didnt know how to appropriately remove myself form certain situations so, I just rudely and hurtfully pushed her out of my life.)  I think at the time I was one of VERY FEW Christians in her life so for her to see such a poor display of actions by a christian  must have messed with her view of WHO God is.  I hope I dont sound vein while I am writing this, its just an honest assessment of what happened on my end and how I feel.  anyhow God showed me in this vision that I am to ask for forgiveness, NOT say I am sorry, and as I thought about this it made me feel even more nervous to approach her and for no other reason that I didnt want my ego to be hurt by her saying "no"  or her freaking out on me.  anyways in my vision God also showed me reading this to her:

God Loves you
God already knows you intimately
God Loves you
God wants you to talk to him
God Loves you
God created you in his image
God Loves you
You were made perfectly by Gods hands
God Loves you
God wants to overflow you with Love and joy
God Loves you
God wants a relationship with you
God Loves you
God has put you here for a reason
God Loves you
God wants to comfort you in your times of trial and hurt
God Loves you
God wants to fill you up with LOVE
God Loves you
God wants to help you grow
God Loves you
God wants to help you up when you fall, and WE ALL FALL
God Loves you
God wants to give you immeasurable peace
God Loves you
God wants you to let go
God Loves you
God wants you to come to him
God Loves you
God wants you to surrender
God Loves you
God wants you to come to him like a child, we are ALL his children
God Loves you
God wants to bless you
God Loves you
God wants to forgive you
God Loves you
God wants to heal your hurts
God Loves you
God wants you to open up

I know that God has this in the bag however, I cant help but feel terrified to face her and ask for forgiveness and what if she says no?  then what?  do I still read the above mentioned message?  so many things running through my mind but I WILL do this task that God has asked of me.   even if I do end up being "that crazy person who came to my house and read me a God poem"  I am putting my pride and my Ego aside and stepping out in BLIND faith and just trusting that God has all my steps mapped out.  I am thankful for the opportunity to ask for forgiveness and clear the air.  God is amazing in how he works in and through us.  I will keep you all posted as events unfold!