Monday, 8 August 2011

Drawn to the cross...

Well for the last week I have been seriously struggling...  As I sit on my floor in my living room singing praise and worship music and really connecting with God again he begins to answer my question that I have BEEN PLEADING with him to answer for a while now...  " WHY do you feel so far away God? "  Why do I feel like I cant hear you?  WHERE ARE YOU?  you cant send me here and then LEAVE ME!  I need you.  I cant even begin to tell you how many hours have been spent in the last week with me on my knees balling my eyes out feeling so alone and then God just showed me why....  I am not allowing myself to be who he has made me....  He has made me into a beautifully transparent woman of God.  This is something I LOVE about who he has made me, I dont have to hide and be fake I can say YES I struggle!  Yes I deal with temptation, yes I AM NOT PERFECT AND THAT'S OK!  For some reason I have had blinders on for a while now and I have been feeling alone and isolated....  I KNOW in the deepest part of my being that God has sent me here for a reason...  and I have felt like this last week God just dropped me here and said good luck...  I dont REALLY know anyone here.  I don't know how they will react to my bold transparency...  guess what IT DOESN'T MATTER!  God has made me PERFECTLY and I WILL NOT apologize for that...  Who cares if I cry?  who cares if I am so consumed by Gods love and grace and mercy that I cant speak for a moment.  WHO CARES...  I have felt so alone this week and now I see its because I have held God at arms length because I was ashamed to be seen for what I am.  WHY?  who do I think I am?  I was scared of what others might think...  Thank you God for your forgiveness as you show me where I fall...  I am so thankful that I can come back and be honestly transformed into who I am in Christ.  I am so proud to be a child of God!    

"At the cross you beckon me, draw me gently to my knees, and I am lost for words so Lost in LOVE, I am sweetly broken, wholly surrendered!"

1 comment:

  1. I felt this way too after we moved here three years ago. I know exactly how you feel right now...I was you at one time. Fight your way out of the loneliness...He's right there in front of you! As for your'll find many of us will welcome it. A few of us are "no games" kinda girls ;)