Sunday, 11 February 2018

A long battle

This picture says exactly how I feel.  Running into the warm embrace of my Good Good Father.  

Let me explain- This is such a long time coming.  In order to understand the breakthrough we must go way back...  I became a Christian on 14 September 2009.  Yes I remember the date.  Ok I was brought up in the church, but it was not a true Gospel based faith and I did not know God intimately until that evening in September 2009 when I FINALLY said yes.  My childhood was riddled with abuse and my View of God was heavily distorted by my step father who claimed to be a Christian, but twisted the Bible into this book of "You better not Ever's"  and "God is going to hate you for this" No Grace.  In fact I never even heard that word a single time in my upbringing.  So as you could imagine I didn’t just walk away from the church, I ran SO FAST and began my downward descent.  I did not want anything to do with God or the church or anything faith based.  I just wanted to drink and live without a care of who I hurt and was in a constant state of stress.  

At this point in my life, my relationship with my mom was so strained.  The Bible beat down man had finally left the picture, and I was drowning in self-doubt.  I was loud life of the party person, but had no substance.  I will save you a ton of really awesome juicy details for the sake of time--A wonderful group of amazingly strong Christian women came along side me and constantly invited me to a Women’s group that was a part of the Base chapel called PWOC.  I ignored and brushed off every single invitation I ever received from them until these women invited me into their lives and showed me what a Christian life REALLY should look like.  This was such a beautiful visual.  These women loved their families, they loved their kids so well.  They disciplined in Love and it was amazing to see.  They loved and honored their husbands and this was something that I was not use to seeing.  I never had any of this in my childhood.  I was just in awe of the way they lived.  Months went by and finally, I said yes.  I attended a Fall Kickoff event for PWOC and that night my life changed.  Jesus met me where I was in that moment.  I prayed that night for the first time in so many years.  I fell into the arms of a beautiful sister in Christ.  One of the many that I watched for months, one of the ones that poured into my soul before I even knew what that meant.  These women battled for me through prayer.  This woman cried with me and held me and prayed with me and just heard my heart.  This woman represents the at least 30 woman I can think of over the course of my walk that have poured into me and I into them. That night was the first night that I ever remember in my life feeling like a child running into the arms of a good good father who was standing there with his arms stretched wide open.  I remember feeling like I was so much lighter, my heart was free and I was free from the shackles and chains that had held me captive for so many years.  I maintained a strong faith in God with valleys and so many mountaintop moments.   I really prayed, I was diligent in my study of God’s word.

God brought us so much and brought us through so much...  just read my previous blogs...  GOD IS SO GOOD!  While I know this and I confess this with my mouth often...  something happened over the course of the last few years.  I began to get trapped.  It was a slow process- God gave me an amazing job that I have dreamt of since I was an 11 year old girl.  My family was complete and my dreams came true....  and then, I stated my descent.  I went through some pretty intense training and I can remember one day that this training almost sent me into a full blown panic attack.  I was (in my mind) brought back to a place of deep hurt.  I had to fight, literally, I was in the middle of a fight and I couldn’t give up.  My head and heart were racing and I was fighting to not become that child that I’ve locked away deep in the deepest parts of my heart.  She was the victimized one.  She was shackled in chains by a man that knew better.  I hadn’t thought about that former self in years and yet there I was fighting to not become her again.  I WOULD NOT go back.  I finished my fight and moved on.  Here’s where the problem began- I thought I could fight this alone.  It was such a gradual imprisonment, and of course I was living it so I couldn't even see it.   I was so sure that I could fight off the self-doubt.  I was so certain that I could fight this battle.  I would pray but I wouldn’t let God into that area- mainly because I didn’t even know it was there.  I was oblivious to the fact that I, in my own heart had taken Gods place on the throne and I slowly began to think that I could do this alone.  This thing was so big but so well hidden in my heard that I literally could not see it.  For over 2 years now I have been battling this deep rooted, hurt- ALONE. not because I was actually alone....  but because I would not let anyone into that space, heck, I didn't even know it was there.  I knew God the whole time, I said all the "Christian things" that I know to be true, and there were really truly amazing moments of clarity.  But all the while this thing was growing.  It was DEEP rooted in so much pain and I still don’t know how I missed it or how I never dealt with it.  I had amazing women walking along side me, and yet I never went to that place.  I prayed often for these women and they prayed for me, but I still hadn’t figured out that I was not willing to let God sit on the throne of my heart.  

Before I get to this amazing weekend, I must point out that God is so GOOD.  He knew that this weekend was waiting for me.  

I went to a women’s conference this weekend.  This was something that I have not been able to do for about 4 years.  God met me where I was at this weekend.  That deep dark closet that I kept all of this hurt locked up in that has had me shackled by fear and self-doubt was exposed. 

I went into this thing searching. I just didn’t know what I was searching for.  I sat during worship- because frankly I didn't feel like worshiping God.  My heart was hard and I couldn’t even begin to figure out why.   I just wanted to sit...  I had my planner out for notes and I just began to prayer journal.  This is something that I have not done in so many years...  The words flowed.  My heart was open and then I actually read what I was writing...  "You did not give me a spirit of fear" WHAT?!?  I am not scared...  I sat there looking at my own words puzzled for a minute and then continued remembering my life verse that I tucked away in my heart years ago "Do not fear, for I am with you, DO NOT be dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:10...  I began to cry and I could literally feel my body relax for the first time in years.  I sat there finishing my prayer and wondering what God had for me.  The simulcast began and BOOM God just went straight for it...  His word is sharper that a double edged sword...   "For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:6-7


This entire weekend was devoted to keeping our fire burning bright.  Knowing who you are in Christ and knowing that he DID NOT give us a spirit of fear...  

I was able to see this weekend that I need to be intentional.  I need to intentionally keep God at the center of everything- even that one dark door that has been chained shut.  I need to be willing to accept God’s grace and his forgiveness. and allow him to heal this place.   I also need to pour into my little ladies even more so that they can really know the goodness of God.  My heart is so free.  This weekend was literally chain breaking. I have unknowingly kept myself in bondage. And I am so thankful that I am free.   

I just want to end this with encouragement- we all have these deep places that we store hurts.  I don’t care if you are male or female- I don’t care if you are black or white, I don’t care if you are a stay at home mom or a cop, we all have hurts that we don’t want to face because it’s hard.  Please allow God into those broken places.  I have missed out on so much that God has had for me because of fear.  Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you can fight this alone.  I will pray with you and help you dive deep into whatever your hurt may be.  I am so thankful to again be in alignment.  I feel like I just ran into his arms again for the very first time.   God is so good! 

I sounded ok and looked ok but I was drowning in this battle not even realizing that I was at war.  I am so Thankful that God met me where I was at.  God is soo soo GOOD!

No comments:

Post a Comment