Friday, 31 August 2012

PWOC retreat 2012

throughout the last 9 months or so I have had my ups and my downs with God...  I have felt like he called me to this huge task last year and then left me to go it alone...  I was so heartbroken and bitter that I have struggled to really reconnect with him.  

Even this summer, I wasn't sure that I was going to attend the PWOC retreat.  when a friend asked me at church one week if I was going, E jumped in before I could answer and replied "yes, she is going, when is it and how much is it?"  well I guess I has my answer...  I was going :)  E and I had just bought a new van so we were tight on money...  the next week I got a call from a friend that works at the chapel and she said that someone wanted to pay my registration fee...  "WHAT?!"  I do believe that was my initial response...  it was nearly $200 and someone just wanted to pay that for me...  WOW!  clearly I was supposed to go to this retreat...  ---> fast forward to the day of the retreat.  I felt unconnected and isolated at first on the bus...  I knew God had something for me, but I was in such a valley and really so hard hearted at this point that I wasnt sure I would recieve what he had for me...  The retreat began and as we were in worship God brought to my mind my miscarriage, I havent thought about this in a long time, but when he brought it my mind he showed it to me from a different view.  it was as if I was seeing myself the way he saw me...  I was so broken and sad and yet I was praising God through the pain.  we were so close at that point...  It was like God was on my speed dial, anytime I needed him there he was...  I cried out to him the day we lost the baby .  I wasnt mad, I just wanted to understand.  God came to me in a dream as I cried myself to sleep...  he told me that he allowed me to loose this baby for my husbands salvation...  WOW!!  first of all HE CAME TO ME IN SUCH A REAL WAY!  he called my spirit instantly and at that moment I knew it was all part of his grand plan...  to see all of this from his view point...   it was so beautiful to see my brokeness raised up to him completely. ugh I dont think there are words to fully explain the beauty of that moment...  As I was singing praise to God, Tears just started to pour.  I couldn't even sing anymore, I missed him so much!  I was still asking the question "why did you leave me??"  after the first night I kind of chewed on all that had been going through my hear...  all that I had come out of that night with for sure was that I was longing for that closeness again BUT in my mind it was Gods fault that we weren't as close...  (REALLY??) 

SO the next morning we had another lesson and I was kind of there but not...  just soaking it all in I suppose..  we then had some free time I am currently training for yet another half marathon so I had a 10 mile run to do...  running is USUALLY when God can really work in me, mostly becasue I have to rely on him AND I am QUIET!!!  (that is not often the case! you can ask my poor husband!)  so as I was running, I began to pray to God, I said "God you clearly had a plan for me here..  I am not seeing it, I havent had any breakthrough, all I know is that I miss you SOO MUCH!  I feel like you have left me all alone to fend for myself and I am tired and weak and I dont know how much more I can take...  please God just tell me what I am looking for...  I need a neon sign here, I am clearly missing something so please tell me what I am looking for"   you want to know the response I got?  a woman's name ( I wont name her as I dont know that she would be comfortable with that) thats all I got though was her name...  So, I kept running and I began to think about what that meant...  should I pull her aside and talk to her?  maybe she has a special message for me?  maybe she is prepared to lay a holy smack down?  am I supposed to seek her out or let her come to me?  UGH so many question...  then I just cleared my mind and enjoyed the rest of my run...  that night we had our last session of the retreat and wouldn't you know it?  the woman whose name God gave me WAS THE LAST SPEAKER!!!  HAHA!  way to be patient AMBER!!!  

so her lesson prepared me to rededicate my life to Christ...  I asked a more seasoned woman to pray with me and talk with me...  as we talked I told her about how alone I felt and how I longed for that closeness again.  she began to pray with me and as we finished she began to ask me questions like , how is your marriage?   "Great" I said.  "God has really restored us."  then another question met with another praise, and another question met with another praise...  she looked at me with tears and said "Amber, GOD IS HERE!" she then said "could you possibly be being stubborn?"  OUCH!  but as I thought about it I WAS!  this is the visual I got in my head...  I had built these walls so high around my heart shortly after I felt like God left me alone and I have been attempting to come back to him with out realizing that I had created a fortress around my heart.  So all this time I have been praying God where are you?  and he was standing right outside my fortress tossing in blessing after blessing hoping that each one would bring some walls down...  That night God started helping me to tear them down brick by brick...  He allowed restoration of some relationships that I had hurt along the way.  His love was never more evident that it was in those hours of me asking for forgiveness and them granting it no questions asked!  I didn't deserve it and yet God moved their hearts to to forgive anyways!   There has been a complete transformation in me...  walls are gone, my heart is so open and I am so hungry for Gods word!  I feel sooo good!  God is amazing!  he never ceases to amaze me with all he can do WHEN WE LET HIM IN!!!  I want to say Thank you to all the ladies around me for not giving up on me, thank you for your prayers and your love and support...  Thank you to my amazing husband for not quitting on me either...  Thank you to my God for chasing after me and not letting me completely disappear!  I am so thankful for the LOVE God has put in my life!  

and to address the questions about FB, I have come back simply because God has made it clear to me that it was just for a season for me to be away from it.  If I were to stay away any longer it would just aid in my not being connected and I am made to uplift and praise and FB is just another avenue for me to use!  THANK YOU GOD for your patience!!!  

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