Seasons Change

In the weeks leading up to my accident, I had been struggling.  Not only wrestling with my own personal strongholds, but also with where to put all the things I see and deal with in this profession.  It's not something we like to talk about.  We need to be strong, because sometimes we're all these people have.  I can totally be strong and stern when needed.   I can also offer grace when possible, but nothing can really prepare you for the real hard stuff.  Nothing can prepare you to see a child being worked on by EMT's, only to find out later that she didn't make it.  Nothing can prepare you to see someone die right in front of you.  Nothing can prepare you for the adrenaline dump that occurs after you encounter a subject with a gun (Once the scene is safe of course). We know these things because we're taught to expect them.   To know something and to experience something are two different monsters.

I can't fully articulate the intricacies of all the feelings and emotions associated with the job.  I can, however, say that they begin to weigh a lot over time.  The night of my accident, I felt a spiritual unrest.  I knew that I had been struggling for a while in my life, but I was just heavy in the reality of the world we live in.  In this job I, WE, see the worst parts of humanity on a daily basis.  We see people on the worst days of their lives (lets face it, no one calls the cops for a BBQ). My heart was so heavy, I texted a friend when I had a few minutes.  I simply stated that I needed a break.  I shared my heart a little bit and was going to look at my calendar when I got home to pencil in some down time.  I needed to recuperate.  I needed a season of Rest. Not just physical rest, but spiritual and mental rest, as well.  Then the calls began pouring in and we were back at the grind once more...  While en-route to a high priority call, my partner and I were struck by a drunk driver.  We jokingly say that the accident only cost us an arm and a leg- because when your hand is broken and your partner has to be cut out of a Police unit, with a broken Femur- you have to be able to laugh.  We have laughed and we have cried.  God literally provided a break (not quite what I had in mind, but...).  God, I believe, has a sense of humor.  

This season of my life has been so SO needed.  I wish I could put into words the rejuvenation I feel.   God began a new work that night.  I can certainly speak for myself in saying that this incident has forced me to face my own garbage that I keep lugging around with me.  I do also believe that this has done the same for my partner.  

Romans 8:28 says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." 

I truly believe that God used this incident to provide the rest I so desperately needed.   This season of life has been so full of life and REALLY good things.  While I hope to not ever fall back into that pit, I am pressing on into a new season.  This week I will hit the streets once more.  As I am preparing my equipment, scripture is coming to mind and I am so excited to see what God has for this next season of life.  My heart is overflowing with gratitude for this season and for unrelenting pursuit of my God.  I feel like he left the 99 to come find me and I am just overjoyed.  

God is so good.  

A long battle

This picture says exactly how I feel.  Running into the warm embrace of my Good Good Father.  

Let me explain- This is such a long time coming.  In order to understand the breakthrough we must go way back...  I became a Christian on 14 September 2009.  Yes I remember the date.  Ok I was brought up in the church, but it was not a true Gospel based faith and I did not know God intimately until that evening in September 2009 when I FINALLY said yes.  My childhood was riddled with abuse and my View of God was heavily distorted by my step father who claimed to be a Christian, but twisted the Bible into this book of "You better not Ever's"  and "God is going to hate you for this" No Grace.  In fact I never even heard that word a single time in my upbringing.  So as you could imagine I didn’t just walk away from the church, I ran SO FAST and began my downward descent.  I did not want anything to do with God or the church or anything faith based.  I just wanted to drink and live without a care of who I hurt and was in a constant state of stress.  

At this point in my life, my relationship with my mom was so strained.  The Bible beat down man had finally left the picture, and I was drowning in self-doubt.  I was loud life of the party person, but had no substance.  I will save you a ton of really awesome juicy details for the sake of time--A wonderful group of amazingly strong Christian women came along side me and constantly invited me to a Women’s group that was a part of the Base chapel called PWOC.  I ignored and brushed off every single invitation I ever received from them until these women invited me into their lives and showed me what a Christian life REALLY should look like.  This was such a beautiful visual.  These women loved their families, they loved their kids so well.  They disciplined in Love and it was amazing to see.  They loved and honored their husbands and this was something that I was not use to seeing.  I never had any of this in my childhood.  I was just in awe of the way they lived.  Months went by and finally, I said yes.  I attended a Fall Kickoff event for PWOC and that night my life changed.  Jesus met me where I was in that moment.  I prayed that night for the first time in so many years.  I fell into the arms of a beautiful sister in Christ.  One of the many that I watched for months, one of the ones that poured into my soul before I even knew what that meant.  These women battled for me through prayer.  This woman cried with me and held me and prayed with me and just heard my heart.  This woman represents the at least 30 woman I can think of over the course of my walk that have poured into me and I into them. That night was the first night that I ever remember in my life feeling like a child running into the arms of a good good father who was standing there with his arms stretched wide open.  I remember feeling like I was so much lighter, my heart was free and I was free from the shackles and chains that had held me captive for so many years.  I maintained a strong faith in God with valleys and so many mountaintop moments.   I really prayed, I was diligent in my study of God’s word.

God brought us so much and brought us through so much...  just read my previous blogs...  GOD IS SO GOOD!  While I know this and I confess this with my mouth often...  something happened over the course of the last few years.  I began to get trapped.  It was a slow process- God gave me an amazing job that I have dreamt of since I was an 11 year old girl.  My family was complete and my dreams came true....  and then, I stated my descent.  I went through some pretty intense training and I can remember one day that this training almost sent me into a full blown panic attack.  I was (in my mind) brought back to a place of deep hurt.  I had to fight, literally, I was in the middle of a fight and I couldn’t give up.  My head and heart were racing and I was fighting to not become that child that I’ve locked away deep in the deepest parts of my heart.  She was the victimized one.  She was shackled in chains by a man that knew better.  I hadn’t thought about that former self in years and yet there I was fighting to not become her again.  I WOULD NOT go back.  I finished my fight and moved on.  Here’s where the problem began- I thought I could fight this alone.  It was such a gradual imprisonment, and of course I was living it so I couldn't even see it.   I was so sure that I could fight off the self-doubt.  I was so certain that I could fight this battle.  I would pray but I wouldn’t let God into that area- mainly because I didn’t even know it was there.  I was oblivious to the fact that I, in my own heart had taken Gods place on the throne and I slowly began to think that I could do this alone.  This thing was so big but so well hidden in my heard that I literally could not see it.  For over 2 years now I have been battling this deep rooted, hurt- ALONE. not because I was actually alone....  but because I would not let anyone into that space, heck, I didn't even know it was there.  I knew God the whole time, I said all the "Christian things" that I know to be true, and there were really truly amazing moments of clarity.  But all the while this thing was growing.  It was DEEP rooted in so much pain and I still don’t know how I missed it or how I never dealt with it.  I had amazing women walking along side me, and yet I never went to that place.  I prayed often for these women and they prayed for me, but I still hadn’t figured out that I was not willing to let God sit on the throne of my heart.  

Before I get to this amazing weekend, I must point out that God is so GOOD.  He knew that this weekend was waiting for me.  

I went to a women’s conference this weekend.  This was something that I have not been able to do for about 4 years.  God met me where I was at this weekend.  That deep dark closet that I kept all of this hurt locked up in that has had me shackled by fear and self-doubt was exposed. 

I went into this thing searching. I just didn’t know what I was searching for.  I sat during worship- because frankly I didn't feel like worshiping God.  My heart was hard and I couldn’t even begin to figure out why.   I just wanted to sit...  I had my planner out for notes and I just began to prayer journal.  This is something that I have not done in so many years...  The words flowed.  My heart was open and then I actually read what I was writing...  "You did not give me a spirit of fear" WHAT?!?  I am not scared...  I sat there looking at my own words puzzled for a minute and then continued remembering my life verse that I tucked away in my heart years ago "Do not fear, for I am with you, DO NOT be dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:10...  I began to cry and I could literally feel my body relax for the first time in years.  I sat there finishing my prayer and wondering what God had for me.  The simulcast began and BOOM God just went straight for it...  His word is sharper that a double edged sword...   "For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:6-7

SHUT UP.

This entire weekend was devoted to keeping our fire burning bright.  Knowing who you are in Christ and knowing that he DID NOT give us a spirit of fear...  

I was able to see this weekend that I need to be intentional.  I need to intentionally keep God at the center of everything- even that one dark door that has been chained shut.  I need to be willing to accept God’s grace and his forgiveness. and allow him to heal this place.   I also need to pour into my little ladies even more so that they can really know the goodness of God.  My heart is so free.  This weekend was literally chain breaking. I have unknowingly kept myself in bondage. And I am so thankful that I am free.   

I just want to end this with encouragement- we all have these deep places that we store hurts.  I don’t care if you are male or female- I don’t care if you are black or white, I don’t care if you are a stay at home mom or a cop, we all have hurts that we don’t want to face because it’s hard.  Please allow God into those broken places.  I have missed out on so much that God has had for me because of fear.  Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you can fight this alone.  I will pray with you and help you dive deep into whatever your hurt may be.  I am so thankful to again be in alignment.  I feel like I just ran into his arms again for the very first time.   God is so good! 

I sounded ok and looked ok but I was drowning in this battle not even realizing that I was at war.  I am so Thankful that God met me where I was at.  God is soo soo GOOD!

leap of faith!

This is a blog I began years ago because I felt called to do so.  this is a place to record ALL of the awesome things that God has done, but also a place to share the growing pains myself and my family goes through.  I, as I am sure you have gathered if you have followed my blog for ANY amount of time, am a very VERY open person.   I feel as though being open and transparent is something that is unique about me. we all have unique qualities and this is one about myself that I embrace.  

This blog today is unique in that it is unlike any other I have written thus far.  I am letting you all in on something that's been brewing for quite some time.  so, lets begin.  

For about 3 years Eddie and I have tossed around the Idea of getting out of the military.  I was too scared before our last PCS.   and its was just something talked about.  We didn't pray over it at that time, it was all talk...  well early in 2014 The topic came back to light again and this time we were both pricked by the spirit about this and we began to pray...  we prayed for some time until we felt certain that this is what God has called us to.  we were both 100% at peace with the decision to voluntarily separate from the Air Force.  This kind of peace can only come  from God himself.  Eddie went in and applied for voluntary separation from the AF in February.  I had a small group of ladies praying with me over this decision, as its a HUGE thing to leave a career you have been working toward for 11 years...  ESPECIALLY because we have 3 littles to think about.  This Choice has been something that we have put 100% in Gods hands.  Already God has lined so many things up...  The most precious private school, support, a restored and LOVING family to go home to,  School for Eddie to FINALLY be able to do something he LOVES, friends waiting with open arms.  I know God has a plan for this transition, and while we cant see quite how ALL the pieces fit together, We have complete and unwavering faith that God is in control of this.  Our faith has grown with each passing year and circumstance.  God has yet to fail us and I know he wont start now!  

I know some of you wont understand this decision, and that's OK.  We believe that this is what we have been called to do, and God has never called us to anything that he hasn't guided us through.   while we are so sad that this chapter of our lives is coming to a close, we can not WAIT to see what God has planned for us.  Its going to be a wild ride, but here we are holding on tight standing firm on our decision.  Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."   we are holding tight to the God of David and Abraham and Noah...    

With all this said we got our final notice today saying that we have been approved and if all goes as planned we will be leaving Italy mid summer 2014.  My heart is full of excitement and joy as I write these words.  We can not wait to be close to Eddies family again, and to be close to my family for the first time in 11 years!   

Thank you for reading, if you would like to follow our journey into civilian life and beyond, you are welcome to follow this blog.  

God is Faithful

So, its been 2 years since I re vamped our food situation to help out with A's hyperactivity.  (read about it  HERE and HERE)  To be honest, I have forgotten how difficult life used to be.  It been 2 years with a completely NEW child.  Dye still effects her, but we are VERY diligent about not giving her Dye.  She is even reading her own labels now!  WOO HOO!  I guess my point in writing today is because of one morning this week where I had a meeting with my old A....  IT. WAS. UGLY.  This morning was like any other, get her up for school, hand her the clothes for the day and she trotts off to the bathroom to get dressed...  well, for 30 minutes I had a crying child who 100% REFUSED to put on a pair of tights...  she has no issues with tights.  she wears them all the time.  but this was SUCH a huge reminder of where we have come from.  this kind of heel digging was EVERY DAY!  paired with intense hyper activity, and emotional ups and downs ALL. DAY. LONG....  I dont encounter this A very often.  The diet, I have learned, is great for the hyperactivity Tantrums, and the over emotional outbursts.  so I rarely deal with this side of her anymore.  Anyhow,  I was struck later in the day by this thought...  Just as I am NOT the person I was when I first became a Christian, A is no longer the same little girl she was.  Dont get me wrong, there are things she will never loose, her goofiness, her spunk, her kind servants heart.  but so much has melted away over the years...  I forget all the tears, I forget all the stress and anger.  I can say 1 thing for certain,  this is all a HUGE testament to Gods faithfulness.   I can remember the moment I felt the prick on my heart in Paris like it was yesterday.  This whole time I have pressed into God SOOO many times.  this was a huge leap for Eddie and I to try this diet for her and we have ALL benefited from it!   God has been with us every step of the way.  We are all such a work in progress, its really a treat to be able to look back at our lives just even 2 years ago and see all the transformation that has happened in us, and esp in our A!  I am so proud of that girl.  She is such a blessing to us.  I am so thankful for the reminder of where we came from and the reminder of how much she has changed...  We are blessed.  I LOVE every moment of this adventure we are on.

I encourage you to take a look at your life for the last few years.  how have you changed?  how has your family, your children, your spouse changed?  bring up these changes as an encouraging word to them!  

Happy reminiscing :)

roller coaster week

                                     

Our week in a nutshell...  its been ROUGH!  

Monday – find out it’s a boy!

Tuesday- got to the airport all was well

Got on flight to Germany and all went well

Got off flight in Chicago- plane landed late – Bailey exploded a diaper resulting in a trashed stroller and a trashed pair of pants- security threw a fit about passports and chapstick in pockets and water in a sippy cup- mommy melted down- ran to catch next (eddie barefoot/ me sobbing the whole way) –flight was delayed- thankfully-

Got off the flight in Dallas- hotel was NOT listed at any courtesy phone area and no # available on the reservation form- called a different hotel (from courtesy phone)  to get the # for the hotel we needed-  no American change for pay phones and no working American cell- slight wifi connection to use magic jack app to make a VERY choppy call that was frustrating on both ends- wait 30 minutes for the shuttle-

Got to hotel-  even though I booked a double queen room we were given a single king room- made pallets for girls and passed out at 2 am- gave the girls a bath in the morning and the bath tub leaked through the wall…  YES through the wall-

Eddie left to get rental car- shuttle to the airport and another shuttle to the rental car place- after arriving he was informed that he could NOT get the car since it was in my name and since we “could be estranged” he could be stealing something from me- (good thought in theory, but in this particular situation it was not so awesome) – so 2 hours later eddie comes back to the room carless- mommy melts down-

Got the rental car and all goes well-

Got to walmart and meet an amazingly helpful and wonderful woman named Dee- got a phone and all was well-

Got to Eddies parents home and all was well-

Got to Elishas house – Eddie and I get sick much be something we ate along the way.  Thankfully Ash was ok but B has been exploding diapers since Chicago. 

Woke up saw the clock, thought my sister in law was late for an apt (clock said 9:05 and the apt was at 8:30)  so I woke her up only to find out it was only 6:30 in the morning- saw tech results the second they came out and frantically woke eddie up from a deep sleep- after the shock wore off he was pumped- got a phone call from usaa stating that someone tried to use our credit card 9 times to make a $1800 purchase from a random coffee company-  (who needs that much coffee EVER?!?!)  

This week has been amazing and frustrating.  it has been VERY UP and VERY DOWN.  All in all, I am thankful, for so much.  Thankful that we made it to Texas in 1 piece, thankful that we are having a baby boy! and thankful for our sweet little ladies who really are amazing travelers!  Thankful that My hubby made Tech! Thankful that USAA doesn't sleep on the job, and they don't hold us accountable for crooks. Thankful that our sickness didn't last long, and that we are all mended up this morning.  I am thankful that we have family soooo  excited to see us and the girls.  This will be an awesome trip.  looking forward to the rest of it :)

Our "rainbow baby"

 Today I am thankful for prayer, Gods healing hand and Gods faithfulness! Today I am 12 weeks pregnant. 

I have had 2 miscarriages, and after the last one, we prayed that God would bless us with another child. HE DID!!! at my first ultrasound (6 weeks) the Dr saw a hematoma in with baby. (basically a blood clot) he had me scheduled for every other week ultrasounds to monitor the growth both of baby and the Hematoma. a lot of prayer has gone up for this pregnancy, and today I had my Fourth ultrasound... I am praising God because not only has he allowed me to carry the baby this long, but he has shrunk the Hematoma!!!! 

i am so very thankful!!! 

BLESSED♥

Thank you For all of your prayers, we are so very blessed to have so many amazing friends!!  

Today I was introduced to a term that I was not familiar with, So I will share it with you now.  

"Rainbow Baby"

A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth.

In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.

God uses every single situation that we find ourselves in for good.  There will always be an upswing, you just have to have faith!  

Change of heart!

Something has happened over the last few months of 2012...  something beautiful!  

I remember when we moved to Italy, I was heart broken that Ashlynn would not be able to be in Pre-K.  She was then 4 years old and FULL of wild energy...  I was exhausted and felt defeated as a mother on a daily basis...  In about November / December I sunk into a pretty nasty depression...  I was miserable, I didnt know how to deal with my kid, this new base we were at was just hard to get used to, the language barrier was driving me crazy, and to top it off my 4 year old just never EVER slowed down...  EVER!  I remember sometime in February coming clean to one of my friends and of course my hubby that I was so sad all the time.  sad wasnt even the word for it...  just plain miserable was more like it...  I had gained nearly 30 lbs in 7 months, and everything had begun to take its toll...  

In march of 2012 Eddie and I were blessed my a friend that offered to watch our little lady so that we could take an anniversary trip to Paris..  it was 5 days of  awesome changes God was doing in my heart...  Something clicked in my brain while we were there.  when we got home I was on a MISSION to deal with Ashlynns hyperactivity naturally.  God had begun a wonderful work in my heart and I was determined to see it through.  from that moment on for over 2 weeks I poured over every document I could find about links between dye and hyperactivity...  Eddie and I decided to change our families diet in order to help our daughter.  we did just that.  I went back to the states and got Ashlynn who had been spending a few weeks with her grandparents in Texas.  (we have lived overseas her entire life so this was something she looked forward to!) when we got home Eddie went TDY for 1 month.  that gave me time to purge the house of EVERYTHING that contained dye...  I am not kidding when I say over half our pantry was gone!  for the first time ever I cooked every meal we ate from scratch.  it was not something I was accustomed to, so it was a little difficult, but I did it as I had faith that this was going to help our Ashlynn.  after about a week and a half I noticed a huge change in her behavior, by the time Eddie got home, he was blown away by the changes in her as well...  who knew FOOD had such an effect on children's behavior?!?!

through the course of our year God slowly changed my heart toward my child.  I was excited for her to go to School but not desperate for her to go.  I enjoyed having her around the house.  I thought surely when Christmas break would arrive I wouldn't be able to stand it and would want her to go back to school ASAP..  but that is 100% not the case!  I completely enjoy having her home.  she is such a sweet child.  God has completely transformed me as a mommy to my little ones.  I enjoy them so much more now.   I do not take any second for granted that I have with them.  I will say through this year I spend more time praying for changes within myself than changes with in her.  I prayed that God would allow me to see her as he does.  I have never enjoyed being a mother as much as I do now!  Children are such a blessing!  and I know at times they get on our nerves, but they are growing and learning too.  cut them some slack!  after all doesnt God cut us a lot of slack?  

Blessings to all of you in 2013!  I pray that God would allow all of you to see your children the way that God sees them!  

Praising God through my storm

Let me begin by saying that this blog is 100% an act of obedience.  With that being said, Praise God with me through this storm...

Last week Eddie and I found out we were pregnant...   over the weekend we lost the baby.  I was not far along at all, but a loss is a loss.  This is miscarriage #2 for us.  As I sit and pray I have been overcome with a great sense of peace and comfort.  something that can only be obtained when it is generously lavished upon you by our Heavenly father...  This gave me a calm through this sad and painful time.  I step back and look at my life through my sadness and I see an amazing husband, 2 beautiful daughters, and a home FILLED to the brim with Love...  GODS LOVE!  over the last few days I have received many e mails from friends who have no idea what is going on but just wanted to check in and see if I needed prayer for anything...  <--- if THAT is not Gods love being poured out on me and my family then, I don't know what is!   I am so happy with the life I have been given, I am choosing happiness and I am CHOOSING Praise though this experience.  God has richly blessed my life with wonderful children and a super patient man for a husband.  the blessings in my life completely outweigh the troubles...  or at least that's how I choose to see it!  God will use this experience for Good...  I cant wait to see what our future holds!  Thank you God for your many blessings!  

"we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels or demons, nor the present nor the future nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the Love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." 

-Romans 8:37-40

PWOC retreat 2012

throughout the last 9 months or so I have had my ups and my downs with God...  I have felt like he called me to this huge task last year and then left me to go it alone...  I was so heartbroken and bitter that I have struggled to really reconnect with him.  

Even this summer, I wasn't sure that I was going to attend the PWOC retreat.  when a friend asked me at church one week if I was going, E jumped in before I could answer and replied "yes, she is going, when is it and how much is it?"  well I guess I has my answer...  I was going :)  E and I had just bought a new van so we were tight on money...  the next week I got a call from a friend that works at the chapel and she said that someone wanted to pay my registration fee...  "WHAT?!"  I do believe that was my initial response...  it was nearly $200 and someone just wanted to pay that for me...  WOW!  clearly I was supposed to go to this retreat...  ---> fast forward to the day of the retreat.  I felt unconnected and isolated at first on the bus...  I knew God had something for me, but I was in such a valley and really so hard hearted at this point that I wasnt sure I would recieve what he had for me...  The retreat began and as we were in worship God brought to my mind my miscarriage, I havent thought about this in a long time, but when he brought it my mind he showed it to me from a different view.  it was as if I was seeing myself the way he saw me...  I was so broken and sad and yet I was praising God through the pain.  we were so close at that point...  It was like God was on my speed dial, anytime I needed him there he was...  I cried out to him the day we lost the baby .  I wasnt mad, I just wanted to understand.  God came to me in a dream as I cried myself to sleep...  he told me that he allowed me to loose this baby for my husbands salvation...  WOW!!  first of all HE CAME TO ME IN SUCH A REAL WAY!  he called my spirit instantly and at that moment I knew it was all part of his grand plan...  to see all of this from his view point...   it was so beautiful to see my brokeness raised up to him completely. ugh I dont think there are words to fully explain the beauty of that moment...  As I was singing praise to God, Tears just started to pour.  I couldn't even sing anymore, I missed him so much!  I was still asking the question "why did you leave me??"  after the first night I kind of chewed on all that had been going through my hear...  all that I had come out of that night with for sure was that I was longing for that closeness again BUT in my mind it was Gods fault that we weren't as close...  (REALLY??) 

SO the next morning we had another lesson and I was kind of there but not...  just soaking it all in I suppose..  we then had some free time I am currently training for yet another half marathon so I had a 10 mile run to do...  running is USUALLY when God can really work in me, mostly becasue I have to rely on him AND I am QUIET!!!  (that is not often the case! you can ask my poor husband!)  so as I was running, I began to pray to God, I said "God you clearly had a plan for me here..  I am not seeing it, I havent had any breakthrough, all I know is that I miss you SOO MUCH!  I feel like you have left me all alone to fend for myself and I am tired and weak and I dont know how much more I can take...  please God just tell me what I am looking for...  I need a neon sign here, I am clearly missing something so please tell me what I am looking for"   you want to know the response I got?  a woman's name ( I wont name her as I dont know that she would be comfortable with that) thats all I got though was her name...  So, I kept running and I began to think about what that meant...  should I pull her aside and talk to her?  maybe she has a special message for me?  maybe she is prepared to lay a holy smack down?  am I supposed to seek her out or let her come to me?  UGH so many question...  then I just cleared my mind and enjoyed the rest of my run...  that night we had our last session of the retreat and wouldn't you know it?  the woman whose name God gave me WAS THE LAST SPEAKER!!!  HAHA!  way to be patient AMBER!!!  

so her lesson prepared me to rededicate my life to Christ...  I asked a more seasoned woman to pray with me and talk with me...  as we talked I told her about how alone I felt and how I longed for that closeness again.  she began to pray with me and as we finished she began to ask me questions like , how is your marriage?   "Great" I said.  "God has really restored us."  then another question met with another praise, and another question met with another praise...  she looked at me with tears and said "Amber, GOD IS HERE!" she then said "could you possibly be being stubborn?"  OUCH!  but as I thought about it I WAS!  this is the visual I got in my head...  I had built these walls so high around my heart shortly after I felt like God left me alone and I have been attempting to come back to him with out realizing that I had created a fortress around my heart.  So all this time I have been praying God where are you?  and he was standing right outside my fortress tossing in blessing after blessing hoping that each one would bring some walls down...  That night God started helping me to tear them down brick by brick...  He allowed restoration of some relationships that I had hurt along the way.  His love was never more evident that it was in those hours of me asking for forgiveness and them granting it no questions asked!  I didn't deserve it and yet God moved their hearts to to forgive anyways!   There has been a complete transformation in me...  walls are gone, my heart is so open and I am so hungry for Gods word!  I feel sooo good!  God is amazing!  he never ceases to amaze me with all he can do WHEN WE LET HIM IN!!!  I want to say Thank you to all the ladies around me for not giving up on me, thank you for your prayers and your love and support...  Thank you to my amazing husband for not quitting on me either...  Thank you to my God for chasing after me and not letting me completely disappear!  I am so thankful for the LOVE God has put in my life!  

and to address the questions about FB, I have come back simply because God has made it clear to me that it was just for a season for me to be away from it.  If I were to stay away any longer it would just aid in my not being connected and I am made to uplift and praise and FB is just another avenue for me to use!  THANK YOU GOD for your patience!!!  

Blessings overflow

Over the past year, I have struggled with feelings of depression, not being loved, rejection, and the list goes on.  I feel so often that I give and give and give and never receive anything in return..  REALLY?  Jesus gave his life for me and I am pouting about giving TOO much of myself???  In the past 3 weeks God has poured no, not poured....  literally drenched me and my household in Love...  random things here and there.  E and I were on the list to attend a marriage retreat this coming weekend, but then our childcare fell through, so I let the chapel know that we couldn't attend due to this issue, and 2 wonderful women stepped up and readily offered to take our kids for the weekend.  I couldn't believe it!  frankly, I still cant!  not only that, a few weeks ago I knew I was attending the PWOC retreat next month, but funds have been tight since we have bought a new vehicle, so I wasn't sure where exactly to pull from when out of the blue I get a call from the chapel office (a wonderful friend of mine works up there, well, a few of them do!) and she says "I just got a phone call and someone wants to cover your cost for the retreat in August.  Is this something you would accept?"  I had literally just that day been going over and over where to pull from....  its not cheap either, nearly $200.00 to go, again I was completely astonished.  (Thank you to who ever you are that paid that fee!  what a blessing you have been...  a real God sighting!)  and the biggest blessing of all, the one that I seem to glance over each and every day, my children that God hand picked for me and E to raise.  I went out to a base event with a few friends on Tuesday evening, and before I left I told A that I was going and it was just for mommies, she burst into tears because she didn't want me to go.  in that moment I felt blessed by her tears, because I felt like it was reassurance that I was doing something right, and in this moment right now, I feel overwhelmed with love, That child has the biggest heart, she loves so freely and deeply, I pray that I would be more like that.  I pray that I would be more like my wonderful blessings...  In the last few weeks its as if God has literally reached down from heaven, held E and I in his hands and just poured on the love.  Since my disappearing act from Facebook, I am not in close contact with many people, but the ones that I have been in contact with have also just poured out onto our little family.  Thank you all for being the feet, the hands, the words, the breathe, and the love of God.  Through all of this, and many other little things here and there its as if God is saying "Buckelew family, I love you THIS much!" and even more specifically me personally, he has really laid it on thick!  I have sooo needed a good chat and a good long hug from my heavenly father and tonight I am FINALLY experiencing it, I really am blessed beyond belief, Thank you God for sticking with me through my mess...  I will likely continue to be a mess until I die, but I thank you for putting up with me and even blessing me when I have really done nothing to deserve it.  Thank you lord for not judging me but instead, welcoming me back into your arms.  This is a place that I have longed to be and I am finally home.  and I plan to stay here for a while...  Thank you for not giving up on me.
 here is a video that was shared with me after I posted this blog, it beautifully states everything I have been feeling.  Enjoy!!!   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzGAYNKDyIU

End Goal

So over my last few months I have really begun to seriously think about me...  who I am, what I do and why I do it...  I have discovered something...  I am LAZY!  If there is not an attainable goal at the end of whatever I am doing, I wont do it...  here a are a few examples...  After having B I lost 72 lbs in an 18 week period...  WHY because I was in a competition where the winner would get cold hard cash...  I took second place and what happened as soon as it was over...  I started eating whatever I wanted and stopped exercising...  why?  because I wouldn't win anything...  after about a year I managed to put back on 28 lbs....  laziness....  Training..  I have trained for and ran 7 half marathons...  but once the training is over...  so is my running!  why not stick with it?  because there is nothing I am pushing towards... So, in the last month, God has started a new work...   well he was probably always doing it but I am just now allowing myself to partake...  Each day our heavenly father gives us just what we need for that day...  once this realization struck me, I was able to tap into that through prayer and being focused.  I am working toward a better me... whether I can see what I will look like, or how I will act at the end or not.  God has given me all I need for THIS day and its my job to really focus on him and partake in this gift.  Through prayer and daily Bible reading I can just feel a shift in my spirit, I am much calmer, my thoughts are orderly, my family enjoys being around me and I them, relationships have been restored, my reactions to unforeseen instances are NOT what I would expect of myself, God is again at work in a mighty way in me.  I have been able to stay on top of my fitness 6 days a week!  not only that but I am able to even manage my food intake...  loosing weight getting healthy and with no end goal other than my personal success!  there are many times that I don't want to count the calories that I am eating, or that I don't want to read my bible or that I don't want to work out, but then God just whispers, "you can do this", and I do!  I don't know that I have ever been so focused on anything quite like I am now.  there has been a shift and I do believe this shift will have ripple effects in my life for many years to come.    

new beginnings

This month marks the end of a season and the beginning of a new one for me.  This is the month that my role as PWOC president has come to an end.  It is rather bitter sweet.  At our last PWOC Wednesday during praise and worship God showed me a wonderful display of where I started this term and where I have ended.  I do believe that the main area of my life that God has grown / changed me is motherhood.  during that display I saw that my patience has grown, my volume has lowered, my love has blossomed, my fear has subsided, my faith has been grounded, my mind has been focused, my marriage has been strengthened, my heart has been changed, my being has been transformed.  now I am not at all saying that I did this on my own because that is just silly, I was open and begging for change.  I cant count how many nights I cried in my bed.  or how many days were filled with tears and frustration.  but I can say for 100% certainty that God slowly began a good work and the best part is that its NOT done!  I am excited about this new beginning.  being able to focus all of my attention on my family.  we have all grown and changed through this year, and I am so excited to see where God takes us from here.  

My girls and I at a mothers day tea at the base chapel! 

Update on our food adventure:

we successfully made it through our first month of whole/ organic eating.  We have met with some opposition  to anything GREEN...  but once A tries it she usually enjoys it.  its just a matter of getting her tr actually try it!  the food has been yummy and we have only has 1 dud so I would say thats pretty awesome!  it has been made 100%  clear that Dye is a HUGE offender for A.  she can have chocolate and be fine but give her m&ms and she is a whole different child...  I know I personally went through a crazy Detox period for about 3 weeks but now I feel great!  and the month of meals in my freezer helped me stay on track and not go for a less healthy option...  its been so nice!  dinner time has been MUCH easier! 

our food adventure

We have been home nearly 1 week now and I am super excited to say that Ash has already started to simmer a bit!  I got an e mail a few weeks ago about this once a month cooking stuff...  so I tried it out here is a link if you would like to see it.  http://onceamonthmom.com/  (i did the April whole foods menu)
The results for my home was 20 dinners (with leftovers that will be used for lunch) and 6 Breakfasts frozen and ready for use!  here is a look at my freezer.

and the best part of all is that about 90-100% of each meal is ALL ORGANIC!  this is going to make meal time so much easier for me!  I am really looking forward to it!  I had Ash try bites (of fully cooked food) as I was cooking and she LOVED it all...

Throughout this week, I have been so taken back by the out pouring of support.  I am thankful for the articles that people send me and the meal plan suggestions, and everything really!  THANK YOU all for your support.  I am so blessed to have 2 wonderful children and an amazing husband, and all the wonderful friends God has placed in my life. God has placed some amazing people on my path, and I am am just very thankful for that.

Well, I have a very eager 5 year old who is wanted to help clean the mess I have made in the kitchen!  better take advantage of that while I can!  enjoy your day and check out that awesome website.

disappearing act

Ok, I have said today that I am going to delete my Face Book account.  I am going to, but I want to clarify my reasoning behind it as it may seem abrupt and harsh...

First let me start by explaining a little something...  I have a very lively (to put it nicely) 5 year old.  we took her in to a child psych. and she has 14 of the 18 markers of ADHD.  The Doctor was reluctant to actually diagnose her 1) because that wasn't actually what we were there for. and 2) neither Eddie or myself have been diagnosed with it and its a biological disorder so unless one of us has it, she cant have it...   the problem with this is that neither of us have ever been tested...  All this to say we have a VERY hyper possibly ADHD child on our hands and at times it can be very trying...  I often find myself so upset with her and ,to be honest I know its not her fault...

early in march Eddie and I went to Paris and while we were there something clicked in my brain about food... everything around me in paris was fresh whole food....  why cant we eat more like that I thought..  well, when we got home I started researching organic and whole food, why its good and what the benefits are...  one thing that kept catching my eye were articles about ADHD.  so I started digging in...  did you know that one of the biggest triggers for ADHD kiddos is not actually sugar?  its Dye...  and dye is in EVERYTHING...  did you know that in Europe companies such as Kraft and Pepsi are required by law to put a warning label on their products if they contain dyes?  in order to get around this they simply don't use the dyes for the products sent there...  why not just change all foods world wide?  because its too expensive and no one in the US is making them...  not that Kraft foods or Pepsi is the best for you anyways, but you get my point...  so after reading and reading and reading some more, Eddie and I decided to Focus and go Organic and whole with our foods.  I only got to try this diet on my oldest daughter for a week and a half here in the states but I can say WOW!!!  what a change!  she is a different kiddo...  now back to Face Book...

For me personally, FB is a HUGE distraction.  I tent to spend hours on there.  (my blog is all about honesty!) countless hours are waisted in my house on Fb...  This is something I have personally struggled with for a few years now.  I talk myself out of deleting it so many times because of what other people say.  If I can help someone today by being vulnerable, then why not right?  but if that help is coming at a cost of my lack of attention to my family, that's not ok...  I need to find balance, and right now for ME personally my balance is letting go of FB.  I will eventually come back I am sure.  but right now my main focus is getting my little lady's food under control.  breakfast, Lunch, Snacks and dinner...  it takes a lot of planning and a lot of preparation. EVENTUALLY, I will have it down but to begin with, I need some time to focus on this task at hand.  I need to pour myself out all over my family and not be stressed out because I am doing too much.  and often FB is something that I give a lot of my attention too.

This will not only allow me to focus on our diet change, but it will allow me some much needed quiet time with my heavenly father.  This is something I have not been as diligent as I should be.

Please understand that I am going to be around, but my main focus is my precious family that God has blessed me with.  This food stuff is not something I am naturally good at, don't get me wrong I could bake all day long, but cooking, not so much...  and because I am not naturally good at it I tend to get a little tense in the kitchen which leads to stress..

Ok so now that its all out in the open, I pray that you all understand exactly where I am coming from, I just need some time.

convicted....

So,  since arriving in Italy I have felt a stirring to share a message again that God gave me last spring about hearing from him...  well in looking through my notes from said message I was C-O-N-V-I-C-T-E-D!!!!  how have I fallen so far and not even realized it...  I was reading MY OWN TYPED WORDS (given by God) and there was so much power in them, SOOOO MUCH TRUTH, how have I let myself fall from that spot of complete submission and closeness?  WHO AM I???  No wonder I have been so incredibly stressed and agitated, no wonder I feel like i have the world on top of my shoulders, no wonder I cant get into the holiday spirit...  I am NOT and I repeat NOT  in right standing with God...  Satan is a smooth criminal...  who would have known that that message God gave me last spring would be the SAME ONE to revive me months later....  I am just a shell of the woman who wrote that.  a Shell of the woman God spoke so incredibly clearly to...  I have had little awakenings over my time here in Italy but this is like a full on FOREST FIRE!  I feel like I am FINALLY awake!  WOW....  God you REALLY REALLY work in beautiful and amazing ways!  I cant even explain this feeling, I may not even sleep tonight...  I think I will hold my own prayer concert here at home...  my LOVE for Christ and his LOVE for me has just been revived!     Repenting for my sin ( my attitude) and repent ( my action) THANK YOU AGAIN GOD for that WONDERFUL and inspiring word, and I so look forward to getting back to where we were!  OH HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU!!!!!!!!!!

break my heart

So, I have heard many times in my short christian walk (mostly in songs) this phrase "break my heart for what breaks yours"  I thought about that statement and came to the conclusion that to be more Christlike I should have my heart broken for what breaks his...  I cant keep flirting with sin even if it seems ok...  my biggest thing I struggle with is TV and what is appropriate and not...  so I prayed, GOD, BREAK MY HEART FOR WHAT BREAKS YOURS!   and I prayed that a LOT and I meant it...  well the moment it happened I knew it was happening, I could feel my hair standing up on the back of my neck and I was just nauseous,   but I fought it and watched the show anyways...  and the show got worse, and so did my discomfort...  this went on for about 4 episodes of this show and finally he broke me...there was one scene that I will NOT describe but just know that I had nightmares and woke up at least (not being dramatic here either) 10 times that night...  Acts 3:19 says "Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord"  I finally got it through my head I must A) thank God for Breaking my heart and allowing me a glimps into his pain that we cause him, and B) I MUST repent and get right with God... I did and now anytime I start to watch anything I am VERY weary as I don't want to feel like that again!  Am I saying all TV is bad...  NO however, that is where discernment comes into play...  

Boldness...

In the last few months God has really begun to press into me this urgency for Boldness...  As he has pressed into me, he has given me opportunity after opportunity to be just that....  BOLD.  mostly with people I am just meeting for the first time.  I am a social person yes, however when it comes to putting my faith out there not know what kind of reaction I will get is TERRIFYING to me!  In these instances that he has give me both have been receptive.  I am excited to step out like this and share my faith...  he has also reminded me of my journey to him...  it wasn't pretty and it was a very long and rough road.  


when thinking about this boldness and this urge to speak when asked to...  I don't want to because I don't feel strong enough or because I don't want to look stupid...  he keeps reminding me that The holy spirit will give me all that I need when the time comes to speak...  its just my job to do as I have been asked.  why? Because God says so!  To be honest over the last year the question "why?" has pretty much disappeared from my prayers...  I don't really care why...  God asks me to do something and I am just going to move and do it...  don't get me wrong, there are many times that I don't want to do what he asks, however, I have seen him working in some HUGE ways in my life and in others and so I don't even want to question what he is doing.   you never know what that one invite to church, or that one random act of kindness, or that one little chat in the park will do for the person you are speaking to...  it took 2 very long years of one of my friends asking me every week to go to church or go to PWOC with her before I actually went and when I did...  I was finally ready to accept Christ into my heart and to change my life for the better...  This friend of mine was so bold even when she KNEW I would likely say no, she kept asking...  for 2 YEARS!  you never know where someone is at and you never know why God is prompting you to say something but if you are prompted to speak...  SPEAK!  

I should be....

EXHAUSTED....

So, in the last 9 months I have given birth to our little B.  Ran 4 Half marathons (2 were not actual races).  we have moved across the world...  again...  and I have taken on a huge responsibility with the PWOC presidency.   So, I should be EXHAUSTED with getting little sleep, I have not been exercising as I should, I have not been eating as I should...  but in all of this what I have been doing is spending a LOT of time in prayer...  God has blessed me so much by not allowing me to become weary or faint of heart.  he has held me up when I have felt like it was all just too much to carry.  he has given me great visions to show me that ITS OK to hurt and to be broken, ITS OK!  God has been so incredible to me and my family!  no my house is not perfectly clean but, I got to spend amazing prayer time with my daughter.  nope the laundry is not all done either but, I am still at peace.  God has been growing me so much here at Aviano.  its been painful but OH SO worth it!  I have never spent so much time on my knees crying out to my father as I have since we moved here, but I have also never been so incredibly blessed!  my body she be screaming but its not, my mind should be fried, but its not, my house should be a complete mess, BUT ITS NOT!  God is providing for me all over the place!   he is really showing me how to really open up to him and let him fully be in control...  I still have my moments on Wednesday mornings that I get flustered because we are late leaving the house and then lovely little attack after attack from Satan start nipping at me, but I learning to let it go and GIVE IT ALL to God!  I am so very thankful to have him on my side, otherwise I would be an utter mess right now!  THANK YOU GOD for never leaving me!  Thank you for holding me up when I was too tired and thank you for walking along side of me through all of this!  

God Sightings

I cant really put into words the feeling that I have and have had for the last week or so its almost an "awe" kind of feeling...  I am just in Awe of all the work God is doing all around me...  PWOC fall kick off was an amazing success with over 75 women showing up!  we prayed for a full ANNEX and GOD PROVIDED!!  as we kick off our Fall Bible Studies, God again provided will a full annex and MANY babies and children as well!  so many babies in fact that we had to turn some away at the door unfortunately.  As we all know in the military we can NOT go over fire codes and although they seem silly, they really are there for our safety.  Our Chaplin Adviser came in and explained that we were at max capacity for kiddos, however after he left he got us a temporary Nursery  upstairs for 10 (possibly more) babies!  Again God is providing...  God has provided for me on a more personal level as well, I struggle so badly at times with my oldest and how to parent her properly.  God has really taken the strain OUT of our relationship and healed it.  I am able to truly enjoy my amazing free spirited child for who she REALLY is and for who God made her to be!  

Sitting here writing this makes me REALLY miss the "God Sightings" portion of the Emerging service!  what an amazing way to really take a good hard look at your life and SEE where God is moving!  God is all over, he is moving and working and growing you and shaping you as we speak...  my challenge to all of you who read this is to truly look at your life and see al the amazing God sightings and SHARE them with the world!  God does not want us to keep this Love for him contained!  he wants us to really share his love with the world around us!   I am so encouraged!  God has AMAZING things planned for Aviano!  I cant wait to see what they are!  

Mirror mirror on the wall....

For the last few weeks I have been struggling (if you follow my blog you will notice this trend).  I have been feeling like there was a dis connect between me and God but I just couldn't quite pin point what it was...  he would break down one wall but then I would find that there was just another bigger right behind it.  this has gone on for MONTHS...  and let me say ITS EXHAUSTING!  I had been so lost and broken with everything going on....  never seeing Eddie because of his schedule, not getting enough sleep...  having to keep the girls quiet all day OR be out of the house all day,  which means no naps for Bailey... and when we are home she cant "cry it out" because Eddie has to sleep.  (both options over time are VERY draining) the weather is SOOO HOT its too hot to be outside.  I didnt feel like I was clicking with the PWOC ladies...  A was as wild and hyper as ever..  it really was a perfect storm.  and I was BREAKING under the pressure.  Well last week God FINALLY got to the biggest wall yet...  this one was a doosy!  a friend and I were chatting on the IM thing of face book..  the conversation took a VERY deep turn, quite refreshing actually...  anyhow, through this friend God was able to show me that I am simply not trusting him.  Yes I do what he asks of me but once I am there I don't TRUST him to do what he put me there to do to begin with.  So after that revelation, I chewed on the the realization that I really was not trusting God...  I didn't like it but I chewed on it, 2 days later at church (PWOC Sunday) God spoke in a VERY real way...  One of our ladies was praying and as she prayed she said something about a broken mirror.  right when she said that God gave me a wonderful vision.  He showed me a mirror that was perfect and a light and the lights reflection it was 1 beam of light...  then he showed me a broken mirror, and a light reflecting off of it and the light just filled the whole area.  in an instant God shared this all and made it VERY CLEAR that brokenness is beautiful to him.  he wants us to come to him BROKEN!  he cant do much with a perfect mirror but a broken mirror... WOW! 

when you are in the middle of a perfect storm, remember that nothing worth doing is easy, and nothing grows with out rain.